Monday, 30 January 2012

Not so Christian Aid

So, a guy from Christian Aid called me a "fucking idiot" in Leicester Square a couple of days ago.

Although, technically speaking he wasn't from Christian Aid - but was actually just some teenager in a Christian-Aid-emblazoned anorak who works for a company that somehow sucks profitable blood from the stone of British charitable giving.

It seems that these companies hire teenagers, bedeck them in anoraks, and send them into the streets of our towns and cities with nothing more than a ream of standing order forms and a head full of vague ideals about philanthropy, personal boundaries, and how much sex they're going to get by working for a charity.

These teenagers are expected to stand on our streets and generate long-term financial commitment from perfect strangers who are busy, tight-fisted, full of hatred, on lunch, already charitable thank you very much, in the grip of a terrible global financial crisis, anti-social, sexually repressed, angry, in a rush, and British.

In short, people who haven't got a single iota of desire to even look someone in the eye, let alone hand over their credit card details to help out a bunch of orphans, or dolphins, or whatever the fuck it is they're collecting for today.

As a result those poor teenagers have to subject themselves daily to such appalling interactions that I almost feel sorry for them. It goes a little something like this:

Teenager (to an approaching businessman): "Hey mate, care to stop and have a chat for a second?"
Businessman: "Get fucked"

These very same teenagers are quickly discouraged by such conversations. Who wouldn't be, after all? And so they begin to employ strange techniques to encourage a friendlier response - or to numb the burning pain of so much public rejection.

Techniques like dancing in front of you as you're walking down the street. Or lunging in front of you just as you begin to hope you've passed them unnoticed. Or saying really odd, almost-sinister-but-in-a-way-you-can't-quite-pin-down opening gambits. One of them once said to me:

"You don't want to stop and talk to me, do you?"

With a fucking massive stupid grin on his face.

At the very least I can say that, on that day, he was right about one thing for one fleeting moment. It must have felt good. I hope that good feeling motivated him to quit his horrible job and do something better. Like be a fundraiser directly for the charity, rather than for a blood-sucking third-party agent which generates profit directly from humanitarian crises and suffering, animal cruelty, tree destruction, false-imprisonment and torture. Oh, and tiger death.

I hope that good feeling motivated him to quit his horrible job, and do something better. But sadly, I doubt that it did.

And apparently I'm the "fucking idiot".

Friday, 6 May 2011

An Open Letter To Foxton's

Dear Foxton’s

I want to publicly state, for the record, that I think that you are absolute cunts.

Estate agents are, like many other businesses, third parties who muscle in on a pre-existing commercial relationship. It's not unique - recruitment companies do it, advertising companies do it, technology companies. Where there's money being made, why not carve out a chunk for yourself?

However, for such blatant leeching to be widely accepted by the pre-existing customer and client it is implied that the third party will add value to the relationship in some way: provide a unique and useful service, speed things along, add expertise where it's needed.

See, by doing that you justify your place in the middle of the pre-existing relationship. If you can justify your place in the middle of the relationship, then no one will hate you.

Did you notice, Foxton's, that nearly everyone you deal with ends up hating you? I knew this before I got involved with you, and like the fool I am I thought I'd give you the benefit of the doubt. I regret this.

Because, in the case of your business, Foxton's, the only added value that I can perceive is that, for one miserable afternoon whilst flat hunting, I got to ride in a garishly decorated Mini whilst some moron, fresh out of failing his degree and dropping out of the normal rules of meritocratic society, regaled me with pointless small talk.

Yes, that was as good as it got between you and I, Foxton's. And let's be honest. It wasn't good. I thought that guy was a bit of a twat.

Your staff are unhelpful. They are slow to respond. They have bad attitudes. They dress badly. They are obviously stupid. They sound disinterested when you talk to them. They say they'll get back to you and don't.

Your business overcharges for its “services” and then underdelivers. Your business does not treat its customers as human beings.

Your business will do nothing, literally nothing, above and beyond the bare minimum required to ensure the collection of its fee. That, right there, is a shitty business.

Your business, a third party leech remember, is so blatantly concerned with profit and profit alone that it has neglected to remember the all-important trade off required when leeches get involved in pre-existing commercial relationships in the first place.

That is the aforementioned: add value.

Add some fucking value.

Add some fucking value.

I challenge you, as a business, to live up to the desperate needs of the rental property market. Provide some much needed thought and care in your service. Provide a tonic to the bullshit landlord dominance of the rental situation. Provide an alternative to the epidemic overcharging for your services. Provide some training to your staff, who desperately need it.

Do this, and I will love you.

Please, stop being such a bunch of cunts.

Yours sincerely

Phil Haslehurst

Thursday, 17 February 2011

Corporate Affairs

Sometimes a question of mathematics just gets into your head until you can't wait another second before you work it out.

Like this...

Hypothesis

It is uncanny, weird, and improbable, that I frequently open the communal toilet door at the exact same time that someone on the other side of the communal toilet door is opening it. This happens to me at least once a week, and usually more frequently.

Proposal

To use the rules of probability to test the accuracy of my hypothesis

Workings

How many men on my floor use the communal toilets?

15 in my office
15 over the hall
20 on the other side of the floor
= 50 men

How many times a day does the average man urinate?

If we go with once every 3.5 hours then, in a working day an average man urinates:

8.5hrs / 3.5 = 2.4 times a day

How many times does an average man defecate in a working day?

This is a bit harder to estimate but let’s go with 1 defecation at work per day per man.

How many instances of toilet take place in the communal toilets in a working day?

Urination: 50 men x 2.4 times per working day = 120

Defecation: 50 men x 1 time per working day = 50

Total visits = 170

How many seconds are there in a working day?

8.5 hrs x 60 minutes = 510 minutes
510 minutes x 60 seconds = 30,600 seconds

So, in a given second, the probability of somebody being in the communal toilets is:

170 / 30,600

Or

85 / 15,300

Or

17 / 3,060

Or

1 / 180

Which is 1 visit to the communal toilet every 3 minutes

If go to the toilet 3.4 times every working day then the probability of me being in the toilet in a given second is:

3.4 / 30,600

Or

1 / 9000

Which is 1 visit to the communal toilet every 150 minutes.

The probability of me opening the communal toilet door in the same second that someone else opens the toilet door is:

(1 / 180) x (1/9000) = 1 / 1,620,000

/2 because it can happen either entering or leaving the communal toilet = 1 / 810,000

Or

Once every 225 hours

Or

Once every 5.29 working weeks

Conclusion

It is weird that it happens to me every week

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

Excellent Photojournalism













I love the way Mario's angry face is used to illustrate the seriousness of Nintendo's reaction.

If I was the hacker, I'd be worried. Mario doesn't take kindly to people meddling in his business.

Friday, 7 January 2011

Apocal-hips(sters)













Rufus awoke dry-mouthed and cold. He peeled back the pages of Time Out that he used as a makeshift blanket and peered out. It was early morning – the dust was not yet rising – and the cold glare of the sun forced him to shield his eyes.

“Ugh. Need espresso”, he muttered, smacking his lips and rolling over in his nest of papers. An article, “The 50 Best Supper Clubs in Shoreditch” casually settled in front of him. He chuckled – before it came he’d planned to visit each and every one. He was especially excited by the prospect of number 28, an all-male amateur burlesque experience on Bacon Street.

But it wasn’t to be. The evening of number 27, it came. It changed everything. And Bacon Street now was nothing more than a memory and an ironic mound of smouldering rubble, teeming with rats and passed over by the occasional scavenger.

He thought back to that night and closed his eyes. Had he really enjoyed a delightfully kitsch fondue just moments before everything changed? He remembered reaching for a baby corn to make his final pass at the hot bowl, then suddenly the ironically chosen bottle of Blue Nun shattered spontaneously, pandemonium descended upon them. The taste of hot cheese and croutons still lingered in his mouth as he sprinted through the streets, searching for shelter from it. He truly understood duality of meaning at that moment.

Sitting up, Rufus noticed that Leonard had still not returned. His bed lay empty, all American Apparel boxes, paper bagel bags and back issues of “Vice”. Neatly arranged beside it were Leonard’s wordly possessions – antique brogues, brown, an undersized waistcoat, a pocketwatch, a simple bow and arrow, and a half-used wrap of ketamine.

The futility of these meagre, humble, but also beautiful objects – remainders of the carefree life left behind – crushed Rufus, pushed down on his remaining hope. If Leonard, gentle, beautiful Leonard was gone, then what hope was there?

“He can’t be. He can’t be. You’ll be back, won’t you old mate?” But there was no answer. Just the creak of metal still straining and twisting, and the soft wind of the morning.

Redchurch Street had changed beyond all recognition. Still he stayed there, with Leonard, clinging on to their neighbourhood, wandering the streets, picking through the wreckage of the landscape they once animated with their incredible lives.

Where once had bustled and thrived a community of photographers, bloggers, haberdashers, artists, poets, graffitoes and models, now stood vast columns of desolate steel and concrete, piles of broken glass and all-around flesh and rotting food and dust dust everywhere.

Rufus calculated he had an hour to spare before the wind grew and the dust forced him to shelter again. Hungry, aching and still chilled from sleep he put on his military jacket and All Saints boots and stepped out of the husk of building that he and Leonard had made their own. Two walls, some bare floor and by luck and bizarre physics a portion of roof that kept off the acid rain when it sparingly fell. It was shelter. Rough shelter, scant and uncomfortable. In many ways it embodied the principles of urban decay, dereliction and post-industrial modernism that he had flippantly sought out in the days before it happened. If he had know then what he knew now, he would have embraced comfort, mainstream lines and warm colours with all his might.

Picking his way carefully across the rubble, he considered his position. Leonard had been gone for 2 days. He had no food. Nightly, the sounds of aggressive gangs of survivors had come closer. It was only a matter of time before they would stumble across him. Without Leonard he would be in danger. Leonard was tall, lean and muscular. His biceps curled beneath a cropped, deep-V necked vest. Sailor tattoos adorned his chest. His stubble and sparing, NHS-style spectacles gave his face a Spartan quality that was useful in moments of conflict. Days beforehand he’d fought off a passing scavenger with a simple look.

It wasn’t the first time that Leonard had disappeared for more than a day. His hunting trips in Victoria park could last for days. On his return, normally bringing a catch of squirrels, herons or fashionable dogs, he would brood as the meat roasted. “It’s not right,” he would mutter, “they’re all over now. All over. With their baggy trousers and lack of personal irony, who do they think they are?”

Rufus didn’t pry, but he knew all too well what Leonard was referring to – he’d seen it himself. Normal people. Non-Shoreditch people. People with standard collar sizes, no clear sense of style, people who didn’t appreciate the statement a non-functioning vintage television set could make in a room. They were all around, drawn to Shoreditch by the rumours of fuel stockpiles, ample bagels, and live game in the parks. Many of them hadn’t even been to an illegal car-park party on a Sunday.

But Leonard wasn’t hunting now. His bow and arrow rested against the wall where he’d left it, his hunting trilby beside it.

Heading West down Redchurch Street towards the scorched remains of The Albion cafĂ©, Rufus huddled inside his jacket. Was it cold? Or was it Leonard’s absence which chilled him? Without food, and with the impending danger of a fight, he needed to make a decision for his own survival. Head East to the docklands? He’d vowed never to return there after an abortive night out at Matter but that was before all of this. Could he face it?

Or South? Through Spitalfields and beyond lay the hallowed land of Borough. The market held delicious foods, wines and decorative plants. But they’d said that about Broadway, and when he and Leonard had ventured there they’d encountered sights which sickened and disturbed them beyond words. Men turned to savages ran naked on London Fields and hunting the weak and the vulnerable. Cannibalism was rife. Market stands once laden with delicious and exotic foods now dripped with blood and entrails. Sexual assaults were common, and took place in broad daylight. Rufus saw a moustachioed youth in a boater and dungarees buggered senseless. Could Borough Market hold the same nightmares? The thought filled him with dread.

And then to his left, in the crushed glass and darkness of the Owl and Pussycat he saw a shadow move, quickly and clumsily ducking behind the bar. Rufus started, fear awakening his tired limbs. He clenched his fists, steeled himself, and stepped forward.

“Who’s there? Leonard? Is that you?”

No answer. Just the crunch of glass underfoot and the smell of stale beer. They never sold mojitos, he thought. Why would they never sell mojitos?

“Leonard, this isn’t funny… Come out”

“I’m not your friend” The hoarseness of the voice startled him.

“Who…who are you?” Rufus was ashamed. His voice sounded small and afraid. Leonard’s baritone put him to shame.

“You should get on your way. I’m no good for you. Move along before I do something I regret.”

The threat compounded the fear in Rufus. In his heart he wanted to run, to hide under his Time Out magazine duvet and shut out this world of blood and dust. But as he turned to run he spotted something out of the corner of his eye.

A Nike high top, with fluorescent pink trim, oversize Velcro straps and neon green laces.

Leonard’s shoe. Lay amongst the rubble of the Owl and Pussycat. In the dark.

“Move along I say. There’s nothing left of him. He’s mine. Catch some of your own.”

Rufus stood, frozen to the spot. The wind grew around him and dust rose around him. Squinting, he gazed again into the dark of the hollowed-out pub. A shoe. A leg, and then. Meat. Just meat. And an arm, emblazoned with a koi karp, Japanese leaf tattoos, and the traditional mermaid of the sailors that Leonard had loved so much.