Halloween Horror - the verdict

To many, the prospect of watching five 3D horror films in a row would be something they wouldn't even do if you paid them.

Odd, then, that Laura and I, in a bizarre reversal of that logic, actually handed money over for the privilege.

Well over 10 hours of 3D film madness ensued on Saturday night/Sunday morning. I'm proud to report that Laura and I made it to the very end - sitting around on your ass can deliver a sense of achievement after all.

I wouldn't be me if I didn't formulate and share some opinions on the qualities of the cinematic feasts laid on for us. And so, in order of play on the night, here's what I made of it:

Resident Evil: Afterlife 3D

Not a good film. Not a good film at all. Mila Jovovich is clearly committed to her "acting", but her "acting" isn't good enough. Crummy dialogue, the thinnest plot ever conceived, and 40 minutes of material stretched to last an hour and a half through over-generous use of super slow-motion. Did I mention, this wasn't a good film? After just one movie, I was already close to falling asleep.

Scare Factor: 1/5 - scariest moment was when a zombie jumped out on Ali Larter

Snooze Factor: 2/5 - I was yawning

The Final Destination 3D

After 3 Final Destination films a less ambitious Director might have decided to call it a day on the ridiculous franchise. "Not on my watch", says David R. Ellis, perhaps best known for cinematic classic Snakes On A Plane, who resurrects the absurd concept for one final run round the block. Exploding cars. 3rd rate teen actors. Nonsense.

Scare Factor: 0/5 - not remotely scary in any way

Snooze Factor: 3/5 - I had a little nap

Piranha 3D

Or, as it should be known, The Sorry Tale Of Kelly Brook's Desperate Need For Fame. The ex-Big Breakfast totty's breasts feature heavily throughout. Laura whispered to me, "I hope she dies". Spoiler alert: she definitely does. This film has every ingredient required to wake up the ailing cinema-goer: aforementioned boobies, laughably poor acting, the doctor from Back To The Future, and some cracking action featuring evil piranhas from the past.

Scare Factor: 2/5 - not scary, but did contain serious peril

Snooze Factor: 0/5 - wide awake throughout

My Bloody Valentine 3D

It's a known fact that, in terms of cinematic viewings, this is inarguably my favourite film of all time. However, statistics can often lie because in reality I think this film ranks as "nearly as bad as Deep Blue Sea". Deep Blue Sea has for a long time been my nomination for "Worst Film Of All Time", which should give you enough context. My Bloody Valentine is the story of a scary miner (I know, which professions did they go through to get to that point?) who uses his pickaxe to murder, amongst other people, a midget and a naked chick.

Scare Factor: 3/5 - the gas mask is kinda scary

Snooze Factor: 5/5 - I slept from 15 minutes in until the end credits

The Hole 3D

And Lo, in the mire of bikini-clad has-beens, plots thinner than Agnes Dean (zing!) and bloody pickaxes we stumble upon that rarest of things - a quality film in the horror genre. The Hole 3D is, on the surface, a "young person's" film about 3 kids who discover a haunted hole in their garage. However, lurking beneath that simple setup is a gripping and well-balanced story about growing up, forgetting the past, and the nature of fear itself. Wrap all that up in the Spielbergy veneer of Disney production and you've got a winner for the end of the night/start of the morning.

Scare Factor: 5/5 - at points I was close to covering my eyes in fear

Snooze Factor: 0/5 - couldn't have slept if I'd tried