Phil's Brains

Not so Christian Aid

2012-01-30T22:54:00.003Z

So, a guy from Christian Aid called me a "fucking idiot" in Leicester Square a couple of days ago.

Although, technically speaking he wasn't from Christian Aid - but was actually just some teenager in a Christian-Aid-emblazoned anorak who works for a company that somehow sucks profitable blood from the stone of British charitable giving.

It seems that these companies hire teenagers, bedeck them in anoraks, and send them into the streets of our towns and cities with nothing more than a ream of standing order forms and a head full of vague ideals about philanthropy, personal boundaries, and how much sex they're going to get by working for a charity.

These teenagers are expected to stand on our streets and generate long-term financial commitment from perfect strangers who are busy, tight-fisted, full of hatred, on lunch, already charitable thank you very much, in the grip of a terrible global financial crisis, anti-social, sexually repressed, angry, in a rush, and British.

In short, people who haven't got a single iota of desire to even look someone in the eye, let alone hand over their credit card details to help out a bunch of orphans, or dolphins, or whatever the fuck it is they're collecting for today.

As a result those poor teenagers have to subject themselves daily to such appalling interactions that I almost feel sorry for them. It goes a little something like this:

Teenager (to an approaching businessman): "Hey mate, care to stop and have a chat for a second?"

Businessman: "Get fucked"

These very same teenagers are quickly discouraged by such conversations. Who wouldn't be, after all? And so they begin to employ strange techniques to encourage a friendlier response - or to numb the burning pain of so much public rejection.

Techniques like dancing in front of you as you're walking down the street. Or lunging in front of you just as you begin to hope you've passed them unnoticed. Or saying really odd, almost-sinister-but-in-a-way-you-can't-quite-pin-down opening gambits. One of them once said to me:

"You don't want to stop and talk to me, do you?"

With a fucking massive stupid grin on his face.

At the very least I can say that, on that day, he was right about one thing for one fleeting moment. It must have felt good. I hope that good feeling motivated him to quit his horrible job and do something better. Like be a fundraiser directly for the charity, rather than for a blood-sucking third-party agent which generates profit directly from humanitarian crises and suffering, animal cruelty, tree destruction, false-imprisonment and torture. Oh, and tiger death.

I hope that good feeling motivated him to quit his horrible job, and do something better. But sadly, I doubt that it did.

And apparently I'm the "fucking idiot".

An Open Letter To Foxton's

2011-05-06T13:31:00.002Z

Dear Foxton’s

I want to publicly state, for the record, that I think that you are absolute cunts.

Estate agents are, like many other businesses, third parties who muscle in on a pre-existing commercial relationship. It's not unique - recruitment companies do it, advertising companies do it, technology companies. Where there's money being made, why not carve out a chunk for yourself?

However, for such blatant leeching to be widely accepted by the pre-existing customer and client it is implied that the third party will add value to the relationship in some way: provide a unique and useful service, speed things along, add expertise where it's needed.

See, by doing that you justify your place in the middle of the pre-existing relationship. If you can justify your place in the middle of the relationship, then no one will hate you.

Did you notice, Foxton's, that nearly everyone you deal with ends up hating you? I knew this before I got involved with you, and like the fool I am I thought I'd give you the benefit of the doubt. I regret this.

Because, in the case of your business, Foxton's, the only added value that I can perceive is that, for one miserable afternoon whilst flat hunting, I got to ride in a garishly decorated Mini whilst some moron, fresh out of failing his degree and dropping out of the normal rules of meritocratic society, regaled me with pointless small talk.

Yes, that was as good as it got between you and I, Foxton's. And let's be honest. It wasn't good. I thought that guy was a bit of a twat.

Your staff are unhelpful. They are slow to respond. They have bad attitudes. They dress badly. They are obviously stupid. They sound disinterested when you talk to them. They say they'll get back to you and don't.

Your business overcharges for its “services” and then underdelivers. Your business does not treat its customers as human beings.

Your business will do nothing, literally nothing, above and beyond the bare minimum required to ensure the collection of its fee. That, right there, is a shitty business.

Your business, a third party leech remember, is so blatantly concerned with profit and profit alone that it has neglected to remember the all-important trade off required when leeches get involved in pre-existing commercial relationships in the first place.

That is the aforementioned: add value.

Add some fucking value.

Add some fucking value.

I challenge you, as a business, to live up to the desperate needs of the rental property market. Provide some much needed thought and care in your service. Provide a tonic to the bullshit landlord dominance of the rental situation. Provide an alternative to the epidemic overcharging for your services. Provide some training to your staff, who desperately need it.

Do this, and I will love you.

Please, stop being such a bunch of cunts.

Yours sincerely

Phil Haslehurst

Corporate Affairs

2011-02-17T17:24:00.001Z

Sometimes a question of mathematics just gets into your head until you can't wait another second before you work it out.

Like this...

Hypothesis

It is uncanny, weird, and improbable, that I frequently open the communal toilet door at the exact same time that someone on the other side of the communal toilet door is opening it. This happens to me at least once a week, and usually more frequently.

Proposal

To use the rules of probability to test the accuracy of my hypothesis

Workings

How many men on my floor use the communal toilets?

15 in my office
15 over the hall
20 on the other side of the floor
= 50 men

How many times a day does the average man urinate?

If we go with once every 3.5 hours then, in a working day an average man urinates:

8.5hrs / 3.5 = 2.4 times a day

How many times does an average man defecate in a working day?

This is a bit harder to estimate but let’s go with 1 defecation at work per day per man.

How many instances of toilet take place in the communal toilets in a working day?

Urination: 50 men x 2.4 times per working day = 120

Defecation: 50 men x 1 time per working day = 50

Total visits = 170

How many seconds are there in a working day?

8.5 hrs x 60 minutes = 510 minutes
510 minutes x 60 seconds = 30,600 seconds

So, in a given second, the probability of somebody being in the communal toilets is:

170 / 30,600

85 / 15,300

17 / 3,060

1 / 180

Which is 1 visit to the communal toilet every 3 minutes

If go to the toilet 3.4 times every working day then the probability of me being in the toilet in a given second is:

3.4 / 30,600

1 / 9000

Which is 1 visit to the communal toilet every 150 minutes.

The probability of me opening the communal toilet door in the same second that someone else opens the toilet door is:

(1 / 180) x (1/9000) = 1 / 1,620,000

/2 because it can happen either entering or leaving the communal toilet = 1 / 810,000

Once every 225 hours

Once every 5.29 working weeks

Conclusion

It is weird that it happens to me every week

Excellent Photojournalism

2011-02-15T08:51:00.003Z

I love the way Mario's angry face is used to illustrate the seriousness of Nintendo's reaction.

If I was the hacker, I'd be worried. Mario doesn't take kindly to people meddling in his business.

Apocal-hips(sters)

2011-01-07T16:25:00.005Z

Rufus awoke dry-mouthed and cold. He peeled back the pages of Time Out that he used as a makeshift blanket and peered out. It was early morning – the dust was not yet rising – and the cold glare of the sun forced him to shield his eyes.

“Ugh. Need espresso”, he muttered, smacking his lips and rolling over in his nest of papers. An article, “The 50 Best Supper Clubs in Shoreditch” casually settled in front of him. He chuckled – before it came he’d planned to visit each and every one. He was especially excited by the prospect of number 28, an all-male amateur burlesque experience on Bacon Street.

But it wasn’t to be. The evening of number 27, it came. It changed everything. And Bacon Street now was nothing more than a memory and an ironic mound of smouldering rubble, teeming with rats and passed over by the occasional scavenger.

He thought back to that night and closed his eyes. Had he really enjoyed a delightfully kitsch fondue just moments before everything changed? He remembered reaching for a baby corn to make his final pass at the hot bowl, then suddenly the ironically chosen bottle of Blue Nun shattered spontaneously, pandemonium descended upon them. The taste of hot cheese and croutons still lingered in his mouth as he sprinted through the streets, searching for shelter from it. He truly understood duality of meaning at that moment.

Sitting up, Rufus noticed that Leonard had still not returned. His bed lay empty, all American Apparel boxes, paper bagel bags and back issues of “Vice”. Neatly arranged beside it were Leonard’s wordly possessions – antique brogues, brown, an undersized waistcoat, a pocketwatch, a simple bow and arrow, and a half-used wrap of ketamine.

The futility of these meagre, humble, but also beautiful objects – remainders of the carefree life left behind – crushed Rufus, pushed down on his remaining hope. If Leonard, gentle, beautiful Leonard was gone, then what hope was there?

“He can’t be. He can’t be. You’ll be back, won’t you old mate?” But there was no answer. Just the creak of metal still straining and twisting, and the soft wind of the morning.

Redchurch Street had changed beyond all recognition. Still he stayed there, with Leonard, clinging on to their neighbourhood, wandering the streets, picking through the wreckage of the landscape they once animated with their incredible lives.

Where once had bustled and thrived a community of photographers, bloggers, haberdashers, artists, poets, graffitoes and models, now stood vast columns of desolate steel and concrete, piles of broken glass and all-around flesh and rotting food and dust dust everywhere.

Rufus calculated he had an hour to spare before the wind grew and the dust forced him to shelter again. Hungry, aching and still chilled from sleep he put on his military jacket and All Saints boots and stepped out of the husk of building that he and Leonard had made their own. Two walls, some bare floor and by luck and bizarre physics a portion of roof that kept off the acid rain when it sparingly fell. It was shelter. Rough shelter, scant and uncomfortable. In many ways it embodied the principles of urban decay, dereliction and post-industrial modernism that he had flippantly sought out in the days before it happened. If he had know then what he knew now, he would have embraced comfort, mainstream lines and warm colours with all his might.

Picking his way carefully across the rubble, he considered his position. Leonard had been gone for 2 days. He had no food. Nightly, the sounds of aggressive gangs of survivors had come closer. It was only a matter of time before they would stumble across him. Without Leonard he would be in danger. Leonard was tall, lean and muscular. His biceps curled beneath a cropped, deep-V necked vest. Sailor tattoos adorned his chest. His stubble and sparing, NHS-style spectacles gave his face a Spartan quality that was useful in moments of conflict. Days beforehand he’d fought off a passing scavenger with a simple look.

It wasn’t the first time that Leonard had disappeared for more than a day. His hunting trips in Victoria park could last for days. On his return, normally bringing a catch of squirrels, herons or fashionable dogs, he would brood as the meat roasted. “It’s not right,” he would mutter, “they’re all over now. All over. With their baggy trousers and lack of personal irony, who do they think they are?”

Rufus didn’t pry, but he knew all too well what Leonard was referring to – he’d seen it himself. Normal people. Non-Shoreditch people. People with standard collar sizes, no clear sense of style, people who didn’t appreciate the statement a non-functioning vintage television set could make in a room. They were all around, drawn to Shoreditch by the rumours of fuel stockpiles, ample bagels, and live game in the parks. Many of them hadn’t even been to an illegal car-park party on a Sunday.

But Leonard wasn’t hunting now. His bow and arrow rested against the wall where he’d left it, his hunting trilby beside it.

Heading West down Redchurch Street towards the scorched remains of The Albion café, Rufus huddled inside his jacket. Was it cold? Or was it Leonard’s absence which chilled him? Without food, and with the impending danger of a fight, he needed to make a decision for his own survival. Head East to the docklands? He’d vowed never to return there after an abortive night out at Matter but that was before all of this. Could he face it?

Or South? Through Spitalfields and beyond lay the hallowed land of Borough. The market held delicious foods, wines and decorative plants. But they’d said that about Broadway, and when he and Leonard had ventured there they’d encountered sights which sickened and disturbed them beyond words. Men turned to savages ran naked on London Fields and hunting the weak and the vulnerable. Cannibalism was rife. Market stands once laden with delicious and exotic foods now dripped with blood and entrails. Sexual assaults were common, and took place in broad daylight. Rufus saw a moustachioed youth in a boater and dungarees buggered senseless. Could Borough Market hold the same nightmares? The thought filled him with dread.

And then to his left, in the crushed glass and darkness of the Owl and Pussycat he saw a shadow move, quickly and clumsily ducking behind the bar. Rufus started, fear awakening his tired limbs. He clenched his fists, steeled himself, and stepped forward.

“Who’s there? Leonard? Is that you?”

No answer. Just the crunch of glass underfoot and the smell of stale beer. They never sold mojitos, he thought. Why would they never sell mojitos?

“Leonard, this isn’t funny… Come out”

“I’m not your friend” The hoarseness of the voice startled him.

“Who…who are you?” Rufus was ashamed. His voice sounded small and afraid. Leonard’s baritone put him to shame.

“You should get on your way. I’m no good for you. Move along before I do something I regret.”

The threat compounded the fear in Rufus. In his heart he wanted to run, to hide under his Time Out magazine duvet and shut out this world of blood and dust. But as he turned to run he spotted something out of the corner of his eye.

A Nike high top, with fluorescent pink trim, oversize Velcro straps and neon green laces.

Leonard’s shoe. Lay amongst the rubble of the Owl and Pussycat. In the dark.

“Move along I say. There’s nothing left of him. He’s mine. Catch some of your own.”

Rufus stood, frozen to the spot. The wind grew around him and dust rose around him. Squinting, he gazed again into the dark of the hollowed-out pub. A shoe. A leg, and then. Meat. Just meat. And an arm, emblazoned with a koi karp, Japanese leaf tattoos, and the traditional mermaid of the sailors that Leonard had loved so much.

Irrelevant Fact About A Serial Killer Of The Day

2010-12-21T12:51:00.001Z

Headline Genius

2010-12-10T11:31:00.002Z

Halloween Horror - the verdict

2010-11-04T15:06:00.006Z

To many, the prospect of watching five 3D horror films in a row would be something they wouldn't even do if you paid them.

Odd, then, that Laura and I, in a bizarre reversal of that logic, actually handed money over for the privilege.

Well over 10 hours of 3D film madness ensued on Saturday night/Sunday morning. I'm proud to report that Laura and I made it to the very end - sitting around on your ass can deliver a sense of achievement after all.

I wouldn't be me if I didn't formulate and share some opinions on the qualities of the cinematic feasts laid on for us. And so, in order of play on the night, here's what I made of it:

Resident Evil: Afterlife 3D

Not a good film. Not a good film at all. Mila Jovovich is clearly committed to her "acting", but her "acting" isn't good enough. Crummy dialogue, the thinnest plot ever conceived, and 40 minutes of material stretched to last an hour and a half through over-generous use of super slow-motion. Did I mention, this wasn't a good film? After just one movie, I was already close to falling asleep.

Scare Factor: 1/5 - scariest moment was when a zombie jumped out on Ali Larter

Snooze Factor: 2/5 - I was yawning

The Final Destination 3D

After 3 Final Destination films a less ambitious Director might have decided to call it a day on the ridiculous franchise. "Not on my watch", says David R. Ellis, perhaps best known for cinematic classic Snakes On A Plane, who resurrects the absurd concept for one final run round the block. Exploding cars. 3rd rate teen actors. Nonsense.

Scare Factor: 0/5 - not remotely scary in any way

Snooze Factor: 3/5 - I had a little nap

Piranha 3D

Or, as it should be known, The Sorry Tale Of Kelly Brook's Desperate Need For Fame. The ex-Big Breakfast totty's breasts feature heavily throughout. Laura whispered to me, "I hope she dies". Spoiler alert: she definitely does. This film has every ingredient required to wake up the ailing cinema-goer: aforementioned boobies, laughably poor acting, the doctor from Back To The Future, and some cracking action featuring evil piranhas from the past.

Scare Factor: 2/5 - not scary, but did contain serious peril

Snooze Factor: 0/5 - wide awake throughout

My Bloody Valentine 3D

It's a known fact that, in terms of cinematic viewings, this is inarguably my favourite film of all time. However, statistics can often lie because in reality I think this film ranks as "nearly as bad as Deep Blue Sea". Deep Blue Sea has for a long time been my nomination for "Worst Film Of All Time", which should give you enough context. My Bloody Valentine is the story of a scary miner (I know, which professions did they go through to get to that point?) who uses his pickaxe to murder, amongst other people, a midget and a naked chick.

Scare Factor: 3/5 - the gas mask is kinda scary

Snooze Factor: 5/5 - I slept from 15 minutes in until the end credits

The Hole 3D

And Lo, in the mire of bikini-clad has-beens, plots thinner than Agnes Dean (zing!) and bloody pickaxes we stumble upon that rarest of things - a quality film in the horror genre. The Hole 3D is, on the surface, a "young person's" film about 3 kids who discover a haunted hole in their garage. However, lurking beneath that simple setup is a gripping and well-balanced story about growing up, forgetting the past, and the nature of fear itself. Wrap all that up in the Spielbergy veneer of Disney production and you've got a winner for the end of the night/start of the morning.

Scare Factor: 5/5 - at points I was close to covering my eyes in fear

Snooze Factor: 0/5 - couldn't have slept if I'd tried

Saturday Fun

2010-10-28T15:51:00.005Z

If you're a fan of television then you could do a lot worse than tune in to this television show, "Popatron", on Saturday.

Not only is it rare to find a legitimate sitcom aired on a Saturday lunchtime amongst the usual nightmarish miasma of Grand Prix qualifying and T4 Hollyoaks reruns, but it's also rare to find a television show written by one of my mates aired on television at any time, ever. In history.

Of course, it's possible that Famous Jon isn't your mate yet. All I can say to that is, "sure, but I expect you'll want him to be once you realise that he's now a successful BBC 2 daytime sitcom writer."

With Popatron due to air for the next 6 weeks (failing a disastrous cancellation) Saturday mornings/lunchtimes look set to be a fun-packed few hours. Start yourself off at 10:00 with some Saturday Kitchen madness (if you don't already, you really must follow the #saturdaykitchen action on Twitter) followed by Nigella Lawson's massive cookery tips. Time for a spot of lunch, and then while away half an hour watching Popatron and enjoying the knowledge that, if you don't already, you'll shortly class Famous Jon as one of your close personal friends.

Halloween Horror

2010-10-21T16:05:00.004Z

What? You don't know my stance on horror movies? Well, allow me to jog your memory.
It's fair to say I'm not the biggest fan of horror films. At worst, there's a strange kind of celebration of violence that sickens me to my stomach. At best, they're just really really shitty films.

That being said, I'm a big fan of IMAX All-Nighters, having previously won tickets to watch every Saw film ever made, back to back, at the IMAX

I didn't make it through that particular marathon, and I think a big part of that problem was the utter contempt for variety of plot, character, or production displayed by the Saw gang. There's only so much psuedo-morality dressed up in massive, life-threatening traps that you can handle in one sitting.

With that in mind, when Laura suggested we give the whole All-Nighter thing another go this Halloween, I jumped at the chance.

So, next weekend at 11:30pm, I'll be sitting down to this smórgasbord of horrific treats.

The Hole 3D - this is about some kids who find a scary hole. Total Film described it as a "children's horror" or somesuch, so I expect it to be a jolly romp with very little/no peril whatsoever.

Piranha 3D - if you've not the film, I recommend you stop reading this right now and check out a trailer. Bikinis, hunks, and ridiculous flesh-eating CGI fish? What's not to like?

Resident Evil: Afterlife 3D - I'm not sure how it's passed me by, but apparently Resident Evil is some kind of super-franchise that rivals Harry Potter in box office terms. Harry Potter has a speccy twat with a wand. Resident Evil has Mila Jovovich and guns. Winner.

My Bloody Valentine 3D - Laura and I actually watched this at the cinema when it came out. And, even more shamefully, I watched it at the cinema again with Famous Jon. So, technically speaking, if we're measuring according to Cinema Views, this is my favourite movie of all time. Thankfully we're not. It's fucking shit. But it's funny too, because it's so bad.

The Final Destination 3D - Laura loves the Final Destination franchise. She owns a box set, entitled "The Final Destination Quadrilogy". Quadrilogy shouldn't be a real word, but DVD box sets have created a niche for it, so whatever. Anyhow, these films are quite literally appalling. The plot, which is recycled in every instalment, is that "Death" is owed some paydirt after a bunch of moderately attractive teenagers escape his clutches at a fairground/a race track/another fairground/a knife factory. Laura will be in raptures. I'll be asleep.

Eugh, "Crowdsourcing"

2010-10-08T10:43:00.002Z

As someone who has/does kinda work in the social media space, I'm on thin ice when I start throwing around criticism of the methods, buzzwords, and hype that it entails. After all, a lot of my time is spent chasing around after that hype, and trying as hard as anyone else to harness it's delicious, reputation-boosting power.

But this article about GAP this morning really got me thinking about the troubling reality of the direction the social web is making brands move in.

The situation for GAP is a simple and common one these days. The brand changes its logo. The public speaks out critically on the web. The brand metaphorically (and maybe literally) cacks its pants.

It's often raised as a great tenet of the brave, new, socially connected world that we live in - this instantaneous connection a brand can have with the wider world through an internet. "Isn't it magic", we all say. "You can literally see what people think of you, all the time."

Yeah, it's magic. In that, it's creating a grand illusion for all concerned.

1. That the consumer has some "power" over the brand.

2. That the brand is listening, and really gives a shit.

Of course, the reality is that, almost everyone who jumped aboard the critical "I hate GAP's logo" bandwagon probably hates GAP anyway, and doesn't shop there. So realistically speaking, the actual GAP consumer doesn't have power over the brand. The critical, semi-design interested Tweeter does.

And the brand isn't really listening - not really. Listening is just a by-word for "searching Twitter for our company's name" in the social space, and the reality of Twitter, as I've just mentioned, is that it's a large noisy room full of the most critical and opinionated people in the world.

So the brand doesn't really give a shit. They just want to look like they give a shit in the hip, happening, buzzy world of social media.

What's happening is that social media, and "people power" is creating a whirlwind of bullshit in which brands fail to function properly any more.

They're too busy getting their customers (*probably not their customers) to redesign their logo, or come up with ideas for new products and services for them

Stop crowdsourcing. Start dictating again. Brands need to lead, not follow. People will always bitch and moan. Just because it's happening on Twitter now, doesn't mean it's going to damage you more than it used to.

Kiss my contract?

2010-10-01T09:11:00.003Z

This poster's been up on Commercial Rd for a short while - it's promoting a new E4 comedy set in a phone shop. I think it's called "Phone Shop", or something.

Anyhow, I couldn't help but get massively annoyed by the garbage that is the slogan "Kiss my contract".

So annoyed, indeed, that I felt I had to take a photo on my phone, then plug my phone into my computer and transfer it across onto my hard drive, and from there upload it onto the internet so that I could share my annoyance with you, right now, on this blog.

I'm assuming (although, to be fair, I can't be certain) that it's some kind of a bizarre play on the well-known young people's insult, "Kiss my arse".

But I'm aware that, by making that assumption, I'm doing the copywriter a massive favour, because in reality, the phrase "Kiss my contract" is pure gibberish nonsense that means nothing, and has no humour attached to it.

Picture the scene. It's 5:30 on a Friday. You're at a marketing agency. There's panic in the air because, oh shit no, we forgot to finalise the copy for the "Phone Shop" posters. The creative team gathers around a table. We need something that reflects the show, that speaks to the target audience, that is funny and irreverent. An intern pipes up, "we could make it insulting - the show has loads of insults in it". All agree, this is a great idea...but how can we make an insult relate to the content of the show - mobile phones? And then, from the corner of the room, out of the shadows, comes a voice - the voice of the stupidest, most lazy fucking copywriter you've ever met. "Kiss my contract?"

I Like The Pope The Pope Smokes Dope

2010-09-16T13:55:00.003Z

Classic T-shirts, weren't they?

Here, check this out - apparently the Pope "urges" us not to pursue "aggressive secularism".

I don't know him well, but I'm going to assume that this comment springs forth from his overflowing cup of love for all humanity.

He looks at us, poor secular fools, and he realises that without his help, we're all destined to hell.

And because of his deep wellspring of compassion and love for us all, he wants to save us from this fate.

He wants, instead, for us to live in the peace, harmony, and truth of the Catholic Faith.

Isn't that nice of him? It's so nice, I'm almost willing to forget all that Daily Mail nonsense about how every Priest in the world is a paedo. After all, the Daily Mail said it, so it's definitely not true anyway.

Yep, the Pope is a great bloke. I'm delighted that he's come out in defense of us poor secular fools.

It's good, too, that there can be no questioning his motivation. After all, his own interests clearly aren't served by the propping-up of a long-outdated, ignorant, fundamentally-flawed world view. Are they?

Oh wait. They are. Shame.

I guess he is a twat after all.

Casino Royale

2010-09-15T09:39:00.003Z

I don't consider myself a lucky person. That's not a gripe at my karma or anything, I just rarely win stuff.

Despite this, I remain an optimist when it comes to gambling - my Dad loves to tell the story of how, as an 8 year old, I started to plan what the family would spend their lottery winnings on when we bought our only lottery ticket ever.

I felt, at the time, that by buying a ticket we had guaranteed that we'd win. It's a psychological defect that I haven't entirely grown out of.

A good example being this: last weekend I went to buy some booze in advance of a fun night at a friend's house. As well as the expensive booze, I also bought a scratchcard because then "the booze will pay for itself".

Of course, due to the aforementioned bad luck situation, this economic trick didn't quite come good. Shame.

Ask any gambler what the stupidest, cruellest bitch mistress of a casino game is, and it's likely that they'll tell you it's roulette.

Roulette is a stupid game, designed to extract every last penny out of the compulsive morons who play it. Naturally, I approach the roulette wheel with total confidence - I'm sure to win, remember.

Well, last night imagine my shock and delight when I did in fact win at roulette. Not just a minor win either, but a very welcome and decent chunk of money.

Not only that, but literally one roll beforehand, my friend Laura also won. Again, a decent chunk of money.

In two spins of the curséd wheel we made ourselves look like professional casino hustlers, lucky people, and absolute bastards. It was brilliant. And I guess now I can't say that I'm unlucky any more.

All At Sea

2010-09-09T11:41:00.003Z

I'm currently reading "Sailing Alone Around The World" by Joshua Slocum.

It's a book about a sailor who, as far as I can make out, was insane. He built a boat with his own hands, and then, because he had nothing better to do, decided to sail it single-handedly around the world.

As it was the 1800's at the time, this represented quite a unique achievement - one, indeed, which a lot of people say has never been surpassed.

I'm sure Ellen McArthur might have something to say about that, but I digress.

Some of the more compelling chapters of Slocum's book focus on the extremely treacherous passage around Cape Horn. High seas, crazy winds, and the constant possibility of being smashed onto the rocks or simply broken apart by the power of the elements - doing this with modern equipment and a large crew must be scary enough, but alone in a handmade wooden boat in the 1800's...incredible.

Anyhow, the book has really given me a taste for another sailing adventure - I've been sailing 3 times in the Mediterranean with Robin the eccentric businessman and his various friends/in-laws and always had a great time.

We've never encountered weather quite as bad as that of Cape Horn though. To give some perspective, I think the highest winds we've clocked on Synolda were around 20 kts. Cape Horn can easily get up to 40, according to an internet at least. That would be quite scary to say the least.

Anyhow, this is a roundabout way of sailing that I'm very keen to do some hardcore, extreme sailing. Pottering around the Med drinking beer is all well and good, but I think that real men, men like Josh Slocum, need to be tested against tougher stuff.

The Bastards

2010-09-06T11:30:00.004Z

What a heartbreaking start to the week as this morning I stepped outside to find the remnant scrap of my cable lock where once my entire bike had been.

Yes, it's true, I'm a victim of crime.

I've owned many bikes in my time. Some have taught me the very art of cycling. Some have fallen apart beneath me and nearly killed me completely. Some have been "borrowed" by my brother and then sold on the black market to generate cash for booze.

No bike in my life has ever been so awesome as the one that was wrenched from me last night by some prick with bolt-cutters.

My Dawes Horizon Tour was bought off some bloke on Ebay who wanted to get rid of it because he was incredibly short and the bike was insanely big. As it happened, it was too big for me, but it had a lot in its favour which made me ignore that fact - primarily, it was 100% ready to take touring around the countryside in my brief sabbatical between jobs.

And that's exactly what I did with it - we went cycling all the way to my Mum's house in Shaftesbury, Dorset, but took an awesome route via Brighton, Chichester, and the New Forest.

It was such an awesome trip - I had so much fun seeing parts of the countryside familiar and unfamiliar, and the bike performed above and beyond its second hand price tag.

It was the first and only time that I've taken a bike ride as a holiday. Generally I use a bike for commuting, which is frankly a miserable experience at best. The opportunity to get out into the open air, carrying my spare clothes and puncture repair kit, eating sandwiches in fields with cows, and seeing a little part of the world at a unique pace - well, it was something I feel lucky to have done.

Over those 5 days of riding I formed a bond with this bike. I got to know it - the gears it liked best, the best way to take a sharp turn without upsetting it, the limits of its tolerance for speed and sharp bumps. And now that bond has been cruelly and suddenly torn apart.

That bike will probably make its new owner a quick buck. I only hope that quick buck comes from selling it to someone who's going to enjoy it as much as I did. Someone who'll take it away from the misery of London roads and give it a country lane in Dorset to ride down - that's how I'll always remember it, that's why I'll never enjoy another bike quite as much as that one.

The Greatest Moving Day Ever

2010-09-02T08:42:00.002Z

Anyone who's ever moved house will know that it's an horrific experience on par with being brutally and cruelly tortured for many many days.

The packing. The throwing stuff away. The cleaning. The moving of massive, heavy objects. The renting and driving of vans. The liaising with idiot letting agents. It's a fucking nightmare.

Imagine my shock and delight, then, when I moved flat yesterday and had, all in all, a pretty brilliant time.

Crucially, I had awesome help. Not only did Laura put in a stellar performance as project coordinator and van driver extraordinaire, but her friend Louise showed up too and showed just how deceptive appearances can be - she's a thin, waif-like girl who I now know is capable of lifting twice her own bodyweight, unassisted.

My own unique role in this moving-day triple-threat team was van-packing strategist (we all know boys have better spacial awareness than girls, right?)and "staying out of the way". I performed excellently in both roles.

Because of the synergy created by our talents - driving, moving things, and staying out of the way - we defied all expectations and had unloaded all of our stuff in about an hour in the morning. I literally couldn't believe it. I kept having to pinch myself to check I wasn't in some kind of wishful dream.

Then the problems started.

We all know how it goes on moving day - the keys aren't right, the water is actually mud, the fridge has a rat in it, the previous tenant hasn't left yet, etc.

Well, we had our fair share. Except, get this, our new landlady is actually HELPFUL. I know. Take a minute to let that sink in. Crazy, isn't it?

There was a bed in the flat we didn't need - no problem, you can dump it downstairs. We don't have the right keys - no problem, I know exactly where they are.

I start feeling weird when I don't have something to be annoyed about. A strange sensation creeps across my face. I've heard it called a "smile".

Adorned with this "smile", I stepped out into my new 'hood. I needed a haircut. "A haircut on moving day?" I hear you cry! Yes, that's how quickly we'd moved in.

I'm not normally a backstreet barbershop kind of person. I like to let my hair grow, and grow, and grow. And if I do ever get a proper haircut, I tend to go for a poncier, "free beer with your haircut" experience. Whitechapel would surely provide me with new experiences.

Just around the corner from the new flat I found the "East End" barbershop. It's basically a room in a derelict building, with a chair, clippers, and a man who can barely speak English. This man, called Imran Ali, is the nicest man in the world.

Not only did he give me an awesome haircut, but he also had a great conversation with me - as far as he could. Moreover, when he realised that I'd just moved into the area, he gave me my haircut for free!

You'll surely agree with me when I tell you that this was the Greatest Moving Day Ever. Especially when I drop in, at the last, that it was finished off with a fine takeaway from Tayyabs - the greatest restaurant of all time. Which is but 2 minutes away.

Cat Based Desktop Image Of The Day

2010-05-14T15:04:00.001Z

This Is Not A News Story

2010-05-13T13:07:00.002Z

Visitors to the BBC News website will today be pleased to read that "Trauma is not rife among UK troops".

Which got me to thinking, under these new journalistic rules, what other items could suddenly break onto the front page of the best news website in the world?

"Saddam Hussein is not still alive and murdering innocent women and children"
"Tony Blair was not spotted buggering a monkey in broad daylight"
"A man from Milton Keynes did not create a machine which could simultaneously end world hunger and make the operator sexually attractive to whoever they wish"

I think I've made my point...

Strange Question of the Day

2010-04-27T13:45:00.000Z

Sound Advice

2010-03-28T15:28:00.008Z

(click on the image for a full size version)

I'm aware of the 8 or 9 levels of irony in this strip. That's why I like it.

The House at Maakies Corner

2010-03-19T07:56:00.003Z

If you like your cartoons with a healthy (or should that be, unhealthy?) dose of grit, grime, and tasteless jokes then you could do much worse than check out Maakies by Tony Millionaire.

Laura bought me a copy of "The House at Maakies Corner", a paper collection of some of his strips, and I have been in stitches reading them ever since.

They're not for the sensitive or faint hearted. Some of the jokes are very crass indeed - that is precisely their charm. Continuing in the comic tradition of Viz, Maakies is a great collection of poo jokes, classic one-liners and occasional moments of real profundity. Plus the drawings are really cool, and every strip comes with a bonus strip right there at the bottom!

Comic innovation as well as toilet humour? Excellent combo.

Annoying Template Issues

2010-03-11T16:48:00.002Z

I love my new blog template.

In fact, I'd go as far as to say it's nearly perfect.

Nearly, though, not entirely. Why?

This redundant little ad call that sits there all pointless and irritating:

I have tried to isolate it and remove it, but I can't. If anyone knows Blogger/CSS/HTML and wants to do it for me, I swear down, right now, that I will make you an awesome cake. And not a little one. A fucking massive one.

Please help me. Please. That redundant little ad call that ruins my template is making me want to change my template altogether, and I really don't want to have to bother with doing that.

My Heroes

2010-03-11T12:38:00.005Z

These days it doesn't seem particularly cool to have heroes. In fact, when I went to school the overarching message I got from my peers that any kind of enthusiasm for anything at all was totally lame, even, heaven forbid, "gay".

One of the many reasons I thank the Lord daily for an internet is that it's acceptable to be enthusiastic again. In the immortal words of Huey Lewis - "it's hip to be square". (In fact, that song's so good it deserves a link). Of the many people I follow on Twitter, or stalk on Facebook, the ones I respect and admire the most are the guys and girls who are comfortable expressing their taste, no matter how kooky it may be. Trying to look cool online doesn't really work - the arrogant wankers soon make themselves known.

Because of this new found comfort around enthusiasm, I now feel it's appropriate to share with you a selection of my own personal heroes. These are the people I unquestioningly love and admire, who's work I will always praise, and who stir up in me the kind of emotions I imagine my Dad felt about Roy of the Rovers, Elvis Presley, and whatever old shit he was into back when he was a lad.

1. Rick Stein

Rick Stein is without doubt one of the coolest people in the world. I have a lot of respect for people who are happy in their awkward, perhaps slightly eccentric ways, and Rick is a shining example. His habit of always choosing the cheap, unethical supermarket versions of food in his blind taste tests is brilliant, his homage-paying to the fishermen of the world, and his unsettlingly dysfunctional relationship with his dog Chalky (RIP) make him a joy to watch on TV. But what's really exciting about Rick Stein is his food - I've never seen food look more appetising, pure and delicious than when Rick is making it. Check out this video and you'll see what I mean:

2. Daniel Day-Lewis

If you've seen "There Will Be Blood" then you'll understand what I'm on about. Daniel Day-Lewis is just the most intense, captivating and powerful actor in the world. In a world where Johnny Depp is somehow lauded as an incredible acting talent for, as far as I can see, playing the same character over and over again (you know the score, slightly deranged, squeaky voiced, the inner-child, etc etc)how rare it is to see a truly convincing performance of an exceptional character. DDL gets the job done. Plus, have you seen the moustache on that guy?!

3. Ben Folds

You've got to have a musical genius hero, haven't you? On the surface Ben Folds seems like a thinking man's "Weird Al" Yankovic - he can do a pretty good job of writing irreverent and witty songs about breaking up, falling over, getting high, pretty much anything.

But it's when you break through that and hear some of his more serious songs that you realise the guy is an absolute genius with exceptional insight. Listen to "Still Fighting It" or "Cologne", or any number of others and you'll realise that Ben Folds is a Pianist/Singer who takes Elton John, pisses all over him, and then does an awesome cover version of his best song that pisses all over that too. As Rick Stein would say, "delicious".

Oh, and he does a cracking A Cappella concept album too.

(Non) Charity Bike Ride

2010-03-09T13:07:00.004Z

In less than a week I'm commencing a long and exciting cycle tour of The South which will take me from my home in London to Shaftesbury in Dorset (convenient location of my Mum's house) and back again, via a collection of convenient waypoints.

I'll be averaging about 50 miles a day for 7 days, with 1 day set aside for rest. As well as staying at my Mums at the halfway point, I'll also be visiting my good mate Nimmo in Brighton, and revisiting the Youth Hostels of my childhood in Burley and Avebury.

Apparently Youth Hostels are better than they used to be. Back in my distant memory I can still make out the filthy showers, strange old men who insisted upon being naked all the time (including, at times, my own Father), and - most horrifying of all - sheet sleeping bags tangled to the point of strangulation around my fatigued childish frame.

Well, good news - you don't have to have sheet sleeping bags any more.

If you've ever had to sleep in a sheet sleeping bag you'll understand what a relief this is.

I'm very excited by the prospect of 7 days of exercise and fresh air. Carrying the bare essentials on my bike, setting my own pace, and getting the chance to talk to myself as much as I like.

One fear rests heavy on my heart - navigation. I've planned my route thoroughly on Google Maps, but to print the directions and follow them whilst riding a bike would be a logistical nightmare. Not only would I have to carry over 2000 sheets of A4 paper, but I'd have to consult them approximately once every 12 seconds. That could turn my 7 day cycle into a 12 month cycle.

I'll be posting updates on my Twitter so do check in there if you don't already - www.twitter.com/phaslehurst

Oh, and although I am technically not doing this for charity, a lot of people have asked if I'm getting sponsored for it. Well, if you'd like to make a donation to charity on my behalf then go ahead and give some money to St Mungo's - they're great guys.

The Seven Signs of Male Ageing

2010-02-26T12:35:00.005Z

Everyone knows the seven signs of ageing, referred to frequently in Oil of Olay adverts. They're...uhhh...lines, right? And, uhhhh, complete facial collapse? Like, when an old woman looks like they're melting. Right?

But what about the guys? We have ageing problems too, problems we suffer with in silence. Problems that we have no magic Oil to help rub away.

In the staff canteen today I saw one such problem, and it inspired me to write this list - the seven, less often reported, signs of Male Ageing. Isn't it time a famous Oil maker came to our rescue?

Hairy ear lobes
Excessive nasal hair
Weird, extra long hairs on arms, neck, eyebrows, balls, etc
"Gammy" joints of any kind
The Shakes
Partial or total incontinence
Partial or total impotence

Most worryingly, I had to trim my ear lobes this week as they were playing host to one or two insanely long hairs. The slippery slope...

The Death of Blogging // The Birth of Microblogging

2010-02-25T16:48:00.005Z

One thing dies, another is born.

Or, more accurately, one thing slowly ebbs away into obscurity, another one gradually becomes the norm.

I don't really blog any more. Unless I'm looking to store a new cartoon somewhere permanently, but I'm not sure that counts really - it's hardly a regular contribution.

But my online publishing activity has gone through the roof. Why is this?

Why, Twitter of course. Just check out the stats.

You'd have to have been killed a year ago and then brought back to life no more than 2 minutes ago to have not heard of Twitter. Chances are within those 2 minutes you'll have been seriously close to hearing what Twitter is anyway.

Twitter is to Blogging what bananas are to nutrition - quick, easy, and uncomplicated. No preparation required. Instant.

Which is why it's so popular. People like me, who really struggled to find the time and energy to Blog "properly" in the first place, are now metaphorically stuffing their faces with bananas.

It's awesome. Who doesn't like bananas?

I have got to wonder how the guys who maintain multiple Blogs, Twitter feeds and countless other social presences manage it. But then I realise, they're all cannily claiming to be "Social Media Consultants" and getting paid through the nose to sit around doing nothing but maintain their online social presences all day. When I realise that, I feel a bit sick inside that I didn't think of it first. Bastards.

Conch and Kiddo!

2010-01-31T20:10:00.005Z

click on the image for a full size version

Rotten Apples

2010-01-28T08:54:00.004Z

If you'd shoved this video in front of me about, say, 2 years ago, I probably would have soiled myself with excitement.

However, since that time we've seen a revolution in the way that music, video, email and internet are consumed on the move.

There's these things, called smartphones, they've been around for ages. Basically, they're like an iPad, but much smaller, more portable, and with the added benefit of being able to make telephone calls. Oh, and they're much much cheaper. Apple even make one themselves. It's very good.

There's been a lot of iPad buzz on Twitter for the last few weeks, testament to Apple's brilliance at marketing through word of mouth. Everyone's been expecting something truly exciting. My opinion, for what it's worth, is that once people start buying and living with the iPad they're going to realise it's out-of-step with the technological world that we now live in.

Steve may be talking about the iPad living in the space between smartphones and laptops, but is that gap real? I can't think of a moment, since I started using my smartphone, when I've thought "man, I wish I could use something larger than my smartphone, but less capable than my laptop". Why? Because the two technologies compliment each other perfectly in my life.

Perhaps other people's lives are different. Perhaps some people just have to have a bigger window to browse the web with when they're on the move. But when that window, the iPad, doesn't even support flash...is that really any kind of enhanced browsing experience compared to a smartphone?

Two years ago - pant-shittingly good. Right now - just a bit too big, clunky, expensive, and unneccesary.

That being said, I still expect it to sell by the truckload. For some people, the lure of Apple packaging and the associated status that comes with it will be too strong to resist.

Update: check out this link for more reasons not to buy this product

A new comic project

2009-12-20T12:56:00.002Z

An extract from a new comic I'm working on at the moment. It's definitely the most ambitious project I've started yet - a full on story with a proper plot, and an ending that I actually already have mapped out in my mind. I'm very excited about it, but as with all demanding projects it's taking a load of time.

As I'm naturally impatient, I find it hard to work on something for ages without sharing it. Hence my little snippet above...although it doesn't tell you much.

I'm really looking forward to getting this comic written and "out there". Watch this space.

Thanks Ant

2009-12-15T22:48:00.003Z

This cartoon is a thankyou to a fellow cartoonist for drawing me a cartoon. I say "fellow cartoonist", but really, I don't class myself as one. Especially when I see his work. When I get a chance I'll post some pictures, because he's phenomenal.

From Russia, with love...

2009-12-07T09:17:00.002Z

Don't you just love it when Russian blondes email you?

I ask myself, "do I have the time to send a reply to this idiot?"

Scary Films

2009-12-02T21:29:00.004Z

As I write this I'm sat in a room with 3 other people who are utterly transfixed and terrified. They're not in danger, or being tortured. They're in this state voluntarily. They're watching a film.

The film in question is "The Strangers", which is of course a horror film.

Their fear is real, and unpleasant, and genuinely affecting. They can't bear to watch, nor can they bear to look away. Laura is smoking compulsively to ease her nerves. Simon and Naomi talk to each other nervously. It's dark, everyone's been working hard and is tired...apparently this is a pleasurable and relaxing recreational activity.

What other pastime is as idiotic as watching horror films?

I can think of only one equivalent - rollercoasters.

The hobby, as I see it, is voluntary self torture. Or, put another way, livening up your life with a little bit of self inflicted pain. You're bored, so get up close to the edge - see what it's like to live life in a more dangerous, vivid and vital scenario. Like the scenario where your friends all get killed one after the other by a chainsaw-wielding madman. Or the scenario where you're careening headlong into a black abyss at 60 mph sat in a tiny steel carriage with 30 other idiots.

The difference between the theme park and the horror flick is that, in the former, the rider can achieve a great adrenaline rush through being in that situation and surviving, whereas the latter doesn't induce a rush. Instead, it turns your blood to ice, conjures up vivid and lasting images of gruesome brutality, pain or sadism and stops you from sleeping for weeks.

Last time I checked, going on a rollercoaster didn't stop you sleeping for weeks.

Sure, it looks like a turd on a plate...

2009-11-26T17:48:00.005Z

I'm a big fan of making food which is grilled, meaty, and deeply tasty.

That's why last night I made these awesome beef kebabs, and used romaine lettuce in place of a boring wrap.

Don't worry though, I got my carbs via the cous cous.

The beef kebabs were heavily flavoured with fresh chili, salt, parsley, cumin and coriander. They grilled up a treat, and when combined with yoghurt, chili sauce, and the lettuce wraps, were probably one of the nicest things I've eaten in ages.

I wish more restaurants sold food like this. I know that sounds arrogant, but everyone would love it. I would be there every night.

Sure, they look like turds on a plate, but who gives a shit?

Shreddies Cookery

2009-11-23T09:40:00.004Z

This weekend I did some cooking with Shreddies as part of a work thing...

Shreddies represented a unique challenge - they have lots of nice flavour, but without being doused in milk their texture represents a bit of a problem. Too crunchy by half.

In the end I made a batch of Shreddies Brownies, with the Shreddies actually forming part of the batter mix, and a Shreddies Cheesecake where Shreddies were the base, and Shreddies prailine made an interesting topping.

Shreddies Brownies

Shreddies, crushed - 2oz
Butter - 3oz
Dark soft brown sugar - 4oz
Light soft brown sugar - 2oz
Strong white flour - 2oz
Dark chocolate - 4oz
Pitted dates, roughly chopped - 3oz
Ground almonds - 2oz
Brandy
Vanilla extract
1 egg

Take the butter, sugars, and chocolate and melt them together in a bowl over a pan of hot water. Stir until well blended, remove from the heat, then add the crushed Shreddies, flour, dates, almonds, brandy and vanilla extract.

Stir thoroughly, and finally mix in the egg.

Put the mixture into a square baking tin lined with greaseproof paper and bake at 200c for 40 minutes.

Cheesecake with Prailine

Shreddies, crushed - 4oz
Butter - 2oz
Caster sugar - 1oz
3 leaves of gelatine
50ml milk
250g fromage frais
500g soft cheese
Zest of 1 lemon
Honey

For the prailine
Shreddies - 1oz
Caster sugar - 3oz

Melt the butter and caster sugar together. When melted, remove from the heat and stir in the crushed Shreddies. Take this mixture and press it into the base of a deep cake tin, then refridgerate.

Soak the gelatine in cold water for 10 minutes, or as per instructions on the packet. Heat the milk until at boiling point, stir in the gelatine and ensure it dissolves completely.

In a large bowl beat the cream cheese, fromage frais, lemon zest and honey together. Then whisk in the hot milk/gelatine mixture, and pour on top of the chilled cheesecake base.

To make the prailine, heat the sugar until it's completely melted and golden, then mix in the shreddies. Pour this mixture whilst it's still hot onto a sheet of oiled greaseproof paper to prevent it from sticking. Allow to cool completely, then smash up and sprinkle over the top of the cheesecake.

Check out the full Flickr gallery here.

What Is Conversational?

2009-11-16T18:13:00.004Z

As part of my new job at 1000 Heads I've been tasked with a piece of homework - writing about "What Is Conversational?".

This is a key question in my job. As a "word of mouth" marketing agency it's our job to make sure that our clients are tapped into, and engaging with, customers who talk about them. Not just shouting at them, but talking in a way that is genuine and inclusive.

The three cartoons that I came up with represent the sum total of more than 15 hours solid photoshopping, and I'm quite proud of the results. It's in my nature that I don't think they're perfect, but at the same time they're probably some of the best work that I've ever done with my drawing tablet/netbook combo.

As they were so time intensive and laboriously crafted I thought I ought to share my efforts.

Saw Marathon Summary

2009-11-15T14:51:00.004Z

This basically sums up every Saw film ever made...

Pigeon Paradise

2009-11-13T13:36:00.006Z

An interesting issue with London Waterloo's now redundant Eurostar platforms has arisen.

I can think of a couple of cool uses for them:

1. Allow homeless people to sleep there in the cold winter months

2. Concrete in the gap between the platforms and use the whole thing as a massive roller-disco

Famous Jon Blogs...Again

2009-11-07T10:21:00.004Z

Jon Purkis is my best mate. He's a cool guy, as you can see from the picture.

He's taken up blogging. Again.

If you click on the link to Spirojunk you'll be plunged into his world of wordy madness.

Jon's blogged many times before. A lot of the time it's ended in controversy. He was once sacked from a job at an amateur radio station for calling the locality a "pit of depression, despair, and crack cocaine".

Of course, he was right - Bemerton Heath is a shithole, and if that local radio station still exists, I want them to know that they're a tinpot enterprise who are missing out on one of the UK's (potentially) best amateur DJ's by leaving Jon in the cold.

I digress. You should read Jon's blog. It's quite good, although he's a sufferer of the same condition as me - irregular updatitis. It's a real burden, so don't hold it against him.

The New Hitler

2009-10-23T14:34:00.002Z

I've suckered you in with a nice shocking headline, so you're probably expecting some political prose about how much of a bastard Nick Griffin is.

But the fact is that It's All Been Said Already.

So I needn't remind you that burying your head in the sand about people like this just doesn't work.

And I needn't remind you that he's a racist. And a homophobe. And a man with a surprisingly wholesale disregard for the facts when it comes to stuff like, oh, I don't know, the Holocaust.

However, I would like to spend a little time mentioning something else. That's right: Nick Griffin has a weird eye.

If anyone wants to clarify the situation on this I'd be very grateful. Nick Griffin's eye, above all else, concerns me. I don't want the future dictator of this country looking at me all weird from his massive podium in Trafalgar Square as the soldiers goose-step past.

Spotify

2009-10-22T13:45:00.005Z

We all know by now that Spotify rocks. It's a phenomenal service - access to a huge library of music, free-of-charge-or-pretty-cheap, whether you be at home, at the office, on the move (it's now available on mobile phones, in case you weren't aware), or any combination of the aforementioned.

The true fun of Spotify, in my opinion at least, is the renewed love it's given me for making mixtapes. Except these days they're not called mixtapes, they're called playlists.

When I was younger, and indeed still now, I didn't/don't have the exhaustive CD collection that I yearn for. So mix tapes always wound up/wind up as selections from the same all-too-finite number of albums. Think miscellaneous combinations of Radiohead, Blur, Oasis, Supergrass, Kula Shaker and The Verve.

Now, with the joy of Spotify, there is so much music around that I can pluck mixtape whims from thin air. EG, this little beauty:

Songs With New York In The Title.

My gift to you. Enjoy it.

5 Things I'll Miss About Unanimis

2009-10-08T08:21:00.003Z

I'm leaving my job at Unanimis today to go and work at 1000 Heads - it's a big career change for me because my new role is going to be creative, and based around the world of blogging...muchos exciting.

That being said, it's a sad day too because I'm leaving behind a lot of good friends at Unanimis, and I'm also saying goodbye to the place that first took a chance on me in a proper, non-recruitment job. I'll always be grateful for that - as a Uni drop out working in recruitment it's very easy to feel like you're unemployable in the "real world" and Unanimis helped pull me out of that mindset.

Anyway, I thought it would be fitting to compose a list to mark the occasion - the 5 Things I'll Miss Most About Unanimis.

1. Tea

My boss makes the best tea in the world, and she makes it extremely regularly. With a boss like that, who needs colleagues?

2. Drinking At The Mortimer's

The Mortimer's Arms is a pub that is less than 10 paces away from our office's front door. It's a "proper" pub, in that they don't fuck about with stuff like "customer service" and "cleaning", and it's all the better for that. Plus they do pie and mash which is a great lunch for any man. But most of all I'll love the Mortimer's for all the impromptu piss-ups that have resulted from "just nipping in there for a quick one" on a Thursday night - four hours later, vomiting in the street, you realise that you owe it all to the Mort.

3. Great People

Yeah, lame I know to harp on about it, but the people at Unanimis are actually super cool in the main. Definitely going to miss the good banter that comes along with working here.

4. The Best Name In The World

There's a guy called Steele here. Steele. That's the best name in the world, right?

5. Free Sailing Trips

Well, almost free...it's a long story, but basically one of the board members has given me "carte blanche" to go sailing on his boat almost whenever I like. It's normally somewhere near Sicily. I went twice this year already, and it was awesome. And contrary to popular belief, no one has to bugger anyone for this favour to come into play.

Money Saving Tips

2009-10-06T15:44:00.000Z

It may comfort you to know that the recession hasn't passed me by. Whilst it's taken me over a year to acknowledge it publicly on this blog, I have actually been aware of the economic turmoil going on around us.

I thought it might be useful for me to pass on a few pearls of wisdom on a topic I am a particular expert in - thriftiness.

Tip #1 - Mince

This is probably the most important tip I could ever pass onto anyone who's struggling financially, and it's conveniently packaged up in one easy to remember word! MINCE. If you implemented the MINCE strategy every day for the next year then you'd be very close indeed to being much richer than you currently are. MINCE, of course, stands for Mince Is Nice, Cheap & Easy, and that really is true. Lasagne. Cottage Pie. Shepherd's Pie. Mince and Onions. Spaghetti Bolognese. All delicious, mince based dinners that will cost you a fraction of the price of a proper, actual slice of anatomically distinguishable meat. Who cares what part of the animal it comes from? It costs pennies!

Tip #2 - Default On Your Repayments

You'd be surprised how long it takes for utility companies to actually get their act together and disconnect you. And you'd be even more surprised how easy it is to sweet-talk the call centre staff into giving you an 11th hour stay of execution from the aforementioned disconnection. If it buys you a few extra packets of mince, why not skip a payment here or there? And remember - if it's addressed to "the Occupier", it ain't addressed to you!

Tip #3 - Borrow From Everyone

It seems simple, but you'd be amazed how many people don't realise that it's easier to borrow £10 from 10 people, than £100 from 1 person. Furthermore, statistically speaking you're likely to only ever have to pay back 70% of those people, whereas where borrowing from 1 person, 99% of the time you have to pay back everything.

You do the maths. Borrow from everyone, and watch the money grow.

Tip #4 - Combination Combination Combination

Taking a shower? Why not take some clothes in with you and wash them whilst you're at it? Ironing a shirt? Why not use the iron to make a toasted sandwich or raclette? Having a wee? Why not have a poo at the same time to save water bills? By changing the way you see everyday tasks, you can save yourself time and money aplenty.

Tip #5 - Harness The Power Of Nature

When did everyone in this country decide to stop drinking simple river water? It's about time we got back into it. Likewise, for too long we've pandered to animal's demands by not making them work for their keep. Dogs laze around all day, likewise cats. Back in the days of yore, pets had to help with general upkeep around the home - hunting rats, herding sheep and suchlike. Why not set your animals chores to keep them occupied during the day?

Facelift

2009-10-06T11:18:00.004Z

This morning I was just browsing around Digg when I noticed an article entitled "50 surprisingly good Blogger themes", or somesuch.

Blogger themes are notoriously vanilla, and this blog was certainly guilty of being just a tad boring.

No longer - I've now updated my template and made it all flashy!

Still a work in progress - the logo is boring and will be changed, and some of the widgets are downright pointless. Let me know what you think.

Andrea Miller - Online Marketer

2009-10-02T09:02:00.005Z

When stuff like this drops into my inbox, normally I just delete it. But something about Andrea Miller's email really got me thinking.

It got me thinking, could this be the woman to replace Michael Johns? So I replied...

Most annoyingly, I got an email bounceback from her. The hussy gets me all excited about her guaranteed, surefire, tested way of making money, and I can't even get in touch!

My quest for a scammer to scam continues.

Time (and Fly) Killer

2009-10-01T16:58:00.001Z

This game really sums up the frustration of swatting flies.

It also sums up the pointlessness of the last 5 minutes in the office.

The Green Shoots Of Recovery?

2009-09-30T15:58:00.004Z

Late last year I noticed a worrying trend - I wasn't blogging any more, and I had graphs to prove it.

Well, I noticed today that I've already surpassed last years lousy efforts, with 41 postings this year. Not quite as massive as 2004, but certainly a step in the right direction.

Extrapolating this year's number, I should finish the year on 56 postings. Great times all around. So great, in fact, that I've made an updated graph to celebrate it. Look at that upturn!

Traffic Analysis

2009-09-30T12:55:00.002Z

I had a look on Google Analytics just now:

It appears that Nigerian Scam emails really are the most popular thing I've done all year. Which means, worryingly, that I need to find another Nigerian scammer sharpish, because I think that Michael John is tired of me.

Time to set a trap of some sort.

Scam Update Part VII - Have I Got Snoods For You!

2009-09-29T08:25:00.001Z

I think Michael John is ignoring me. One assumes that at some point Nigerian scammers draw a line under a case like me and decide that, you know what, this guy probably isn't going to send me his possessions for free.

After my effort to make my case seem more realistic with yesterday's intervention from John Cavendish, I thought that I'd try to cajole a response out of Michael one last time. The below represents my efforts.

Unless I hear back from him, I'm guessing this is where it ends...

Scam Update Part VI - The Big Guns

2009-09-28T09:19:00.003Z

I thought Michael Johns could probably use a little bit of official reassurance from someone senior at The Royal Mail this morning. So, enter "Mr John Cavendish" - you've met him before - who kindly agreed to put his considerable clout behind my campaign.

We'll see if this has the desired effect...although I'm not sure what that is.

Incidentally, the googlemaps link in the email above takes Mr Michael Johns here

Scam Update Part V - Tracking Hard

2009-09-25T14:14:00.004Z

Understandably, for a Government Man, my esteemed associate Mr Michael John is concerned about the whereabouts of his awesome box full of PS3 games:

However, taking that tone with me isn't going to get him anywhere!

Just to bring you up to speed, if you're coming into this fresh - Michael John is a Nigerian internet scam artist. He found my ad on Gumtree, selling some of my unwanted PS3 games. But rather than pay cash in hand, he tried sending me bogus emails from Paypal about how much money he'd "paid me" (he hadn't) so I would send him the games for nothing...for his "grandsons birthday", apparently.

This stuff is best followed from the start, so go to this posting to see how it all started, and then work your way back up from there.

Scam Update Part IV - Urgent Delivery Requested

2009-09-25T08:14:00.004Z

Well, things have well and truly gotten sour between me and Michael John, my scammer friend from Nigeria. He's accused me of being a "foll".

Luckily I have no idea what that means, so I'm not offended. But I could have been.

Man, the paperwork at the Royal Mail these days...no surprise they strike every five minutes...

Scam Update Part III - Who's Fooling Who?!

2009-09-24T13:32:00.004Z

I'm concerned that my relationship with Mr John Michael is rapidly deteriorating. Despite my assurances that his package is on it's way to Nigeria, he seems to be losing trust for me, as evidenced in this slightly hostile email:

Time, I think, for a dramatic showing of my hand - I am to be trusted, and I have photographic evidence of this...

By the way, if none of this makes sense, then start from the beginning and work your way back. It's worth it, I promise.

Small Updates

2009-09-24T12:18:00.003Z

The eagle eyed/bored amongst you may have noticed I've made a couple of changes to the blog today, to bring it up to speed a little with our good friend "Web 2.0".

There's now a "Follow Me On Twitter" button, a "Digg" button on every posting, and if you click into individual postings (by clicking on the posting header) you can also use the "Tweet This" button.

Just my own small contribution to the growing trend for people to spam their content all over everyone's internets.

Scam Update II - The Royal Mail Gets Involved

2009-09-24T08:37:00.001Z

I thought I'd get in touch with my friend Michael John early today to see if we can't get a handle of all this PS3 games shipping nonsense. I hope he doesn't mind my disturbing him during his busy governmental state department working day...

Scam Update

2009-09-23T16:54:00.003Z

Well now, Mr MichaelJohn of Nigeria is a man who doesn't want to loose out on a deal just because of a silly thing like Paypal...

But I've still been having issues seeing the money drop into my account...I guess we're just going to have to keep talking this out until the funds have cleared...

You Can't Imagine What It Means To Me

2009-09-23T13:47:00.014Z

I'm selling some PS3 games on Gumtree at the moment. It's a surefire way to generate some much needed cash at a lean time in the month.

And thank God for such sympathetic and generous men as Mr Michael Johns.

You see, Michael is a man who is all about business. He doesn't want to fuck around arranging to "meet up" and "pay cash in hand". He's a modern man, and he needs to get those games to his Grandson fast...

Well, who am I to stand in the way? I suppose I'd better check some facts quickly first though, just to make sure...

Nigeria?! Why didn't you say so?! It's practically my second home! What with all the hundreds of thousands of dollars they've helped me acquire illegally over the years, I've got a great deal of affection for mysterious Nigerian emailers.

But I can't just be sending the games to Nigeria for $100USD if I don't get my profit. Mikey boy, I'm sure you understand...Phil needs his slice of the action. So how's about we renegotiate the terms...

Michael John has accepted...I guess he'll be using the official Paypal site to give me my money now...

Michael John is a fast mover. As soon as I asked for the price of my games, he stuck another £100 on top of the original offer. He's obviously heard about my reputation for being a hard businessman. If I had a dollar for every time I'd come out of a negotiation with more than I'd asked for...well, I don't need it, because I come out of every negotiation with more than I ask for.

Michael's hot on the heels of that official confirmation email from Paypal, desperate for me to confirm that I've sent the items to him. His Grandson really is keen on these games, and his birthday celebration isn't far off.

But I've got doubts about Michael John. This "giving you more money than you asked for" is suddenly not sitting right. Something about it doesn't make sense. Is Michael John really a verified buyer?

Oh right, so he is then...that's good...

I would urge all my readers to contact Michael John to make the most of his generous spirit. Be sure to tell him that I sent you.

Not My Words, But The Words Of A Buddhist Monk

2009-09-22T09:08:00.002Z

Finally, religious proof of the value of videogaming, courtesy of a man who may or may not be a direct voice of God on Earth.

I've gotta say, it's good that God is finally taking video games seriously. I've always been happy to expound my theory that videogames are one of the most important things in the world. With God's clout behind me, I expect I'll be winning this argument more often than not.

Conch & Kiddo - Would You Like Some Garlic With That?

2009-09-20T20:53:00.004Z

click on the thumnail for a full size version

Another outing for Conch the idiot frog and Kiddo the morose snail. Gary didn't write this one, but the original concept belongs to him.

I like the idea of a frog wearing a fake moustache.

Yeah, Come On

2009-09-18T14:01:00.003Z

This is one of those things that's so bad it's almost good. You know, like McDonalds. Listen to the lyrics - just sublime.

Not Safe For Work

2009-09-18T13:50:00.003Z

My work buddy Steele (crazy name, ain't it, and it leads to some great puns believe me) noticed a while back that I'm into cartooning, although you wouldn't know it to look at the recent famine of updates from me...

Anyhow, from time to time Steele drops a post it note on my desk with his own unique contributions to the world of art.

This is the funniest one, and probably the lewdest as well. If you're offended by cartoon representations of penises you should probably look away now.

Ordinarily this kind of activity would probably land you in front of an employment tribunal accused of sexual harassment and bullying. But Steele's a decent guy, and I happen to think jolly cartoon penises are actually quite funny... something about them takes me back to my innocent youth, when days at school were spent drawing willies on people's notebooks when they weren't looking.

Offline Cartooning

2009-08-18T07:39:00.001Z

I bought a sketch book the other day to start doing some offline cartooning. This is the product of some camping trip doodling, documenting mine and Laura's visit to the Adnam's brewery in Southwold. I have to admit, I didn't actually get kicked out.

Southwold is a really great place, and the weather was awesome this weekend. Perfect for lounging around on the beach, a long walk in the surrounding countryside, and a few trips to the pub.

I strongly recommend the Adnam's Brewery Tour. Minimal information. Maximum free booze.

Click on the thumbnail for a full size image.

A Waking Nightmare

2009-06-20T13:29:00.001Z

click on the thumbnail, you know it makes sense

The Crone

2009-06-17T21:15:00.002Z

Click on the thumbnail for a full size version

Guest Strip - Conch and Kiddo Episode 1

2009-05-03T15:45:00.004Z

click on the thumbnail for a full size image

My friend Gary MSN'd me the other day saying he wanted to do a comic. Problem was, he can't draw. I volunteered to have a crack a drawing what he'd written, and the above is the first episode of his brainchild: "Conch and Kiddo".

Conch is the Frog, Kiddo is the miserable Snail.

He Wants His Just Desserts

2009-04-30T20:40:00.001Z

click on the thumbnail to see the full sized image

As If I Would Kill Him

2009-04-26T10:27:00.003Z

click on the image for a large version

A New Character Is Born

2009-04-23T21:30:00.001Z

click on the image yada yada yada

An Unlikely Target

2009-04-20T20:58:00.002Z

click on the thumbnail for a full size version

I've recently created a Facebook fan page for Frankenstein. It's called "Frankenstein And His Monstrous Sidekick", which I think is finally the official name of my comic. Please join and tell the world you're a fan of Franky, Patrick Bateman and "The Monster". I really want more people to read this - the satisfaction of cartooning, and sharing my cartoons with people, is really exciting.

You're Gonna Pay

2009-04-15T20:59:00.001Z

click on the thumbnail for a full sized image

Had His Cake And Eaten It

2009-04-13T18:22:00.001Z

click on the thumbnail for a full sized version

His Achilles Stomach

2009-04-03T10:50:00.001Z

Click on the thumbnail for a full size image

Drastic Measures

2009-04-02T09:56:00.000Z

click on the thumbnail for a full size version

Farewell To Dutch Pete

2009-04-02T01:15:00.002Z

Tonight Wembley Stadium wasn't just the theatre of mediocre footballing dreams - it was also the venue of my farewell party to my good friend Dutch Pete. He's going back to Holland. Dutch bastard.

Pete is one of those people you meet at work and immediately get along with. He's been a source of fun, lunchtime conversation, and general good banter for the last 5 months. It's a shame he's going, fun workmates are an essential commodity.

Still, it's not all doom and gloom. The next time I see him, I'll be in Malta about to embark on the sailing trip of a lifetime.

Tonight's football match was meant to be the perfect way to give Pete a decent English farewell. In many ways it was. England were their usual inadequate selves, narrowly scraping a win over a hardworking, if a little stodgy Ukrainian side featuring the legend Andriy Shevchenko. The home crowd was subdued, the away fans were riotous, and the streets of Wembley were awash with antisocial louts. Yes, very English indeed, quite fitting I think. Pete even got yelled at by a skinhead moron for having the audacity to stand near him whilst he spilled his beer on himself (the moron spilled his beer, not Pete).

Pete and I both earned excellent punditry points, by the way. Pete predicted a Peter Crouch goal, which was duly delivered. And on discussing Shevchenko's quiet entry to the fray, I stated "he's the kind of player who can score with his first touch". Well, you can predict what happened next.

Best Of A Bad Bunch

2009-03-01T13:09:00.004Z

click on the image for a full size version - you know the score

So Frankenstein and his monster are kinda thrashing out some issues at the moment.

A Much Anticipated Return

2009-02-28T11:51:00.003Z

click on the thumbnail for a proper look

They're back, with updated fonts and trousers.

I am really keen to get back into regular cartooning, and drawing Frankenstein's monster is particularly fun. Hopefully I'll be able to do at least one a week. I had especial trouble this morning getting my head around Frankenstein...or more accurately, getting my head around drawing his head. I don't know why I had such difficulty drawing a simple triangle, but I did. I reckon I erased about 20 attempts before finally being half happy with it.

Anyway, they're back...I'm really chuffed.

Frankenstein

2009-02-24T21:42:00.004Z

I sat down tonight fully intending to put together a Frankenstein cartoon.

However, issues with my Wacom graphics tablet put me way behind schedule, so in the end I only had time to do some doodling.

It's amazing how quickly I've got out of practice drawing these guys...a bit of practice just about ironed it out though. I've even made some creative decisions - crucially, that Frankenstein's monster is going to be more expressive and happy.

I thought I'd stick the doodle up here, as proof to those of you who want it, that I am putting my money where my mouth is with this and the duo will be back. I've even written the first strip - I just need a couple of hours to draw it now.

Comic Timing

2009-02-24T13:15:00.002Z

This is a strip from a webcomic that I've just discovered, called "Least I Could Do". It's really funny - got a definite edge to it that sets it apart from the more gentle humour of PVP.

I managed to sort out some Photoshop action on the weekend, so I am currently cooking up ideas for some more comics of my own. Of all my recent blogging activity, it's definitely the most fun and satisfying.

According to a recent focus group (ie: a pint with my Dad and my Brother on Sunday) I should be doing more with Frankenstein and his Monster. So that's what I'm going to do. Watch this space.

To Be Or Snot To Be

2009-02-20T08:34:00.002Z

I have had the snottiest week on record. Since Monday morning my days have passed in a blur of nose blowing, wiping, dripping, snorting, straining and general mucus-related agony.

Every night I find myself drooling all over the bedsheets, snoring, choking and spluttering. I have a headache from blowing my nose so much. And my ribs hurt from all the hacking and coughing.

But none of this matters, because it's the weekend, and I've got a brand new copy of Madden NFL '09 for my PS3, and a whole load of time on my hands.

State of a Nation

2009-02-03T13:24:00.002Z

If you want to get a decent handle on the level of sheer ignorant madness and media insanity that surrounds the topic of "Islam" in America, then look no further than this clip:

I don't think I need to tell you that I have about a gazillion things to say about how scary and downright stupid this is. And I don't mean scary in the "ohmygosh my kids are going to become Muslim" way. I mean scary in the "oh holy crap, my kids are going to grow up in a world where the American media uses it's grossly inflated power to incite hatred, suspicion, and paranoia in the minds of the stupidest and richest people in the world".

The Greatest Walk To Work In Living Memory

2009-02-02T15:36:00.003Z

This morning I woke up to the site of London under a crisp white blanket.

I quickly realised that this was an opportunity to act out a lifelong dream - I wanted to listen to Sigur Ros whilst walking around in fresh fallen snow.

Due to major travel disruption, my walk from Shoreditch to Tottenham Court Road allowed me ample time to enjoy the experience.

I've seen some beautiful things in my life, I guess. I've been to the Alps a few times, I've seen some nice views in India, and I've spent lots of time in Cornwall looking out to sea. I'm now adding "London in the snow in 2009" to my list of beautiful memories.

Walking through Bloomsbury in the muffled quiet this morning, the slate-coloured houses stark in contrast with the white snow. And Sigur Ros, finally making sense as a band, in my ears.

Everyone seemed to smile at each other on the walk into work this morning. It was as if the snow had reminded us of the gentler, nicer side of life. And the traffic was quiet, and slow, and light. London breathed a little bit better, and looked a damn sight prettier.

The music fitted the atmosphere perfectly - spacious, at times stark, and full of icy tones. I guess you'd expect nothing less from a band that comes from an incredibly cold part of the world.

Notes on Redundancy

2009-01-31T08:22:00.003Z

This week the economy in general seems to have hit a greater level of total sucking than up until now. It seems like the news is dominated by talk of job losses throughout the country. In fact, this scary issue brushed very close to me this week - very close indeed.

The whole thing's got me thinking about the whole redundancy process: when you're confronted with a group of people who are all doing roughly the same job, and all doing it reasonably well, how on earth do you decide who to let go and who to spare?

Well, the HR/legalistic/process oriented method seems to be missing out on some potential fun, so I thought I'd come up with some ideas of my own:

Take the group of employees into a forest. Arm them each with a spear, and give them enough food for 3 days. Tell them that whoever comes back alive can keep their job.

Organise a public show of hands in the office, whereby the "safe" staff vote for who they want to go the most. Allow each "at risk" member of staff the opportunity to speak in their own defence for only 30 seconds before the vote takes place.

Settle it over a drinking competition.

Ask each "at risk" member of staff to prove their loyalty to the company and the management by performing an extraordinary act of strength, bravery, or cunning - in the office. Examples include: balancing 10 lever arch files on your head, stapling your own fingers, mastering the shitty printer that never fucking works, drinking a full cup of nescafe instant coffee without milk or sugar.

Play a game of musical statues throughout the day. The management can pipe constant music into the office. Whenever they pause the music, everyone in the office has to freeze. Whoever doesn't gets made redundant.

Ask everyone in the office to work for 24 hours straight to prove themselves worthy of their position. If someone falls asleep, quietly drag them out of the office, and pop their P45 in their top pocket.

Guitar Hero - Text Based Adventure

2009-01-27T09:11:00.003Z

Just a quick one this morning - check this out.

It's a great example of what you can do with an internet if you're bored. It's also an excellent joke.

Brilliant Taste

2009-01-20T12:46:00.002Z

I know what you're all thinking (all 3 of you). You're all thinking:

"Phil is such a cool cultural influence, I wish I could keep up with all the things that he likes to read about on an internet"

Well wish no more, my friends.

Thanks to Famous Jon's constant evangelising about new web technologies, I have adopted Google Reader, and I actually really like it.

You can click here to have a look at the stuff that's caught my eye so far.

And I'll put a link in the sidebar too. That way, if this phenomenal content on mybrains isn't enough to satisfy you, you'll have other people's work to fall back on too.

Political Storm Engulfs Philsbrains

2009-01-15T23:29:00.003Z

As a noble constituent of Tower Hamlets I am lucky enough to be represented in the House of Commons by one of the greatest living politicians - Mr George Galloway MP.

George Galloway's career has seen such glittering highlights as getting chummy with the now executed ex-dictator of Iraq, Saddam Hussein (or as Prince Harry would put it, 'that raghead with the moustache') and engaging in an apparent romance with a transexual on Channel 4's highbrow political television show, 'Celebrity Big Brother'.

I consider myself fortunate to not have to regularly liaise with Mr Galloway. From what I can gather, the man is an ass.

If you need proof of this, look no further:

Sadly, my self imposed ban on communicating with this joke of a politician ended today when Famous Jon insisted that I send my MP an email, drafted by Greenpeace, protesting at the prospect of another runway at Heathrow.

Realising the unique opportunity that this afforded me to diss George Galloway, I included a few lines of my own at the end of the letter, in the vain hope that the great man himself might read them:


I've just seen the news that the announcement on a third runway at
Heathrow will be postponed until January so that Geoff Hoon "can give
proper consideration to the evidence".

But both the BBC and the Financial Times say that there is a split in
government. And I'm glad to hear that some ministers are seeing sense
and realise you can't commit to reduce emissions in the UK by 80% by
2050 and build another runway at Heathrow at the same time.

The evidence is already overwhelming. Expansion of Heathrow would have a
severe impact on our climate, the economic case is flawed and it's also
completely unnecessary. There are already at least 100,000 flights a
year between Heathrow and places easily reachable by train. I would
prefer to see the government support a new high-speed rail network and
other alternatives.

Please contact your colleagues in cabinet and ask them to make a new
year's resolution that it will stop expansion at Heathrow and meet our
emissions reduction target.

I'd also like to point out that I watched your interview on Channel 4
News 2 days ago where you discussed George W Bush.  Although I feel that
you are on the right side of the argument when it comes to the
success/failure of his presidency, I think you do yourself no favours by
the manner in which you present your case.  If you made the time to cite
actual facts, rather than engage in hyperbole of the worst sort, then
you would come across as more credible.

Sincerely,

Phil Haslehurst

If you want to watch the interview, have a look here. The man's in danger of making sense at some points, but what really riles me is the readiness to make ridiculous statements about "millions of people" losing their lives. It's simply not true.

Anyway, Georgey Boy didn't leave me hanging for long - he replied within about half an hour:

So sorry my C4 interview failed to meet your exacting standards.
You may like to know I have just in the last few minutes divided the
House in defence of "my colleague" John McDonnell MP who was being
thrown out of parliament for the strength of his opposition to the
runway - a strength which was demonstrated by his lifting the Commons
Mace and disrupting proceedings. I take it that on that at least, you'd
be with me. Please don't write back - I am really very, very busy; what
with the war the slaughter the economic collapse........
Yours sincerely
George Galloway

Good old George - even in the midst of a busy schedule of acting like a twat, meeting dictators, and media appearances, he's got the time to take a little care of a simple constituent like me, and write a sarcy reply.

Weekend Movie Marathon

2009-01-10T10:15:00.002Z

Some weekends you want to go out and do shit like this

Some weekends, however, you just want to lie around in bed and watch movies and eat chicken casserole and totally relax.

So far I've covered:

The Exorcist - this was extremely entertaining...even funny in parts

Tropic Thunder - I didn't even bother finishing this, it's rubbish

Charlie and The Chocolate Factory - the modern remake. Charlie's nice, I'm not a massive Depp fan though

Ghost Busters 2 - 80's escapism, starring Bill Murray

Also lined up are American History X, Terminator, Cape Fear, Natural Born Killers and A Scanner Darkly.

Chicken Casserole, by the way, goes like this:

1 x free range chicken
2 x slices of pork belly (small ones)
2 x red onions
2 x carrots
2 x celery sticks
2 x peppers
2 x garlic cloves
2 x leeks
Chili
Paprika
Fennel Seeds
Thyme
Red Wine
Vegetable Stock

Dice up the pork belly into little lardons, fry up in a little olive oil. When browned, remove from the pan. Joint the chicken into 8 pieces (to learn how to do this, come and see me some time or read Delia Smith's "Complete Cookery Course"), and dust lightly with seasoned flour. Brown the jointed chicken on all sides in the residual fat, then set aside.

Roughly chop all the vegetables. Fry off the onion and celery, then add the leek, carrots, peppers, garlic and seasoning herbs/spices. Ensure all the vegetables are softened, then add the pork and chicken back into the pan, slosh in some red wine and plenty of stock.

Make sure there's enough liquid in the pan to cover the meat. Cover, bring up to the boil, then reduce the heat and leave to simmer very gently for about an hour and a half. Alternatively, put it in the oven at about 160 c for a similar amount of time.

The chicken should be tender and falling off the bone. Serve with rice, or mash, or both, or neither.

Finally, Some Recognition

2009-01-08T14:02:00.002Z

After my comments a few weeks back about how much I'm going to miss George W Bush, it seems the BBC have finally sat up and taken notice.

Follow this link to see some classic Bush quotes and even a couple of great clips thrown in for good measure.

I'm glad that someone at the BBC is finally recognising the classic contribution that this man has made to the world of ridiculously funny quotes.

2008 Top Five

2009-01-04T12:02:00.003Z

Happy New Year everyone - 2009 is already upon us and New Year's resolutions are no doubt already in tatters. I know my resolution to stop smoking hasn't exactly been the walk in the park I imagined.

Now that 2008 is officially complete I think it's a good time to share my "2008 Top Five", a broad selection of the five best things that I happened upon/happened upon me last year.

5. FIFA '09

Somewhat inappropriate that the first item on the list is actually named after this year, rather than the previous one. Minor details, however - this is the greatest football simulation ever made.

Since purchasing it practically on the day of it's release, I have scarcely gone 24 hours without playing this game. It is sublime. And I used to be a Pro Evo man...

4. The Samsung NC10

I'm writing this blog on my reasonably new Samsung NC10. It's like a laptop, but smaller and therefore sexier. Also, it's super portable and makes me and Famous Jon look cool when we're "writing" in the pub.

3. "There Will Be Blood"

And more accurately, Lovefilm in general. Lovefilm has delivered to my door some brilliant movies in 2008, "There Will Be Blood" being the best of them, and an instant "this is the best film in the world" nomination.

I was so excited for weeks after watching this movie. Friend, family, and strangers alike received my impassioned recommendations to watch it as soon as humanly possible. Almost everyone ignored me. Their loss.
2. Not Being A Recruiter

Two and a half years in recruitment was fun, but at some stage the fun has to end. Working in my new job outside recruitment has been a refreshing change and certainly good for my stress levels.

1. Cold War Kids, Fleet Foxes, Glen Hansard, Hot Chip, Foal, MGMT etc

2008 has been a great year for buying shit loads of music on Amazon. My CD collection is getting ridiculously cumbersome and hard to move. I guess at some point I'll need to buy a house to put them in.

Christmas Dinner Top 5

2008-12-24T09:19:00.005Z

In 24 hours time I will be engaged in the most intense cookery experience known to man. No, I'm not talking about "naked cookery" with Gary Rhodes - I mean of course the traditional British Christmas Dinner.

I've heard various things about Christmas meals from overseas, but in my opinion the British Christmas Dinner will always be the greatest meal in the world. Not just for the food, but for the emotion attached to it. Every smell, taste and texture uniquely combines to give the ultimate Christmas sensation. Of course, being half pissed and wearing a paper crown helps.

Everyone's got an opinion when it comes to Christmas dinner. Tomorrow in every home a slightly different version of the meal will be served. So for a meal that's such an institution, and yet so potentially divisive, I thought I'd try to come up with a list of 5 things that you definitely have to have. The Christmas Dinner desert island, if you will.

1. A Bird

Every now and again I'll talk to someone who seems perfectly rational and sane, but who is actually clinically retarded. Why? Because they say that they're "having roast beef" on Christmas day. Hugh-Fearnley Whittingstall himself advocates eating venison on Christmas day. Balls, I say. You absolutely, positively must have a bird of some form on your Christmas table. Be it Goose or Turkey, or even chicken, the whole point of this wondrous feast is that a fine bird is the centrepiece. Because otherwise you don't get...

2. Bread Sauce

Bread sauce is a British classic. To accompany poultry you can't get anything better. There is something so brilliant about a sauce made of the simplest ingredients - stale bread, milk (or cream if you're showboating), onion, nutmeg, cloves and a bay leaf. That's it. But the end result is a sauce so delicious and inarguably Christmassy that it has to be on the Christmas plate.

3. Brussels Sprouts

There is a long list of things that are wrong with Brussels Sprouts. Top of that list is the fact that they induce terrifying levels of flatulence. Furthermore, they can easily become waterlogged and soggy, they frequently end up tasting of old cabbage, and they are a devil to prepare in large quantities.

However I can forgive them all these flaws, because when cooked properly (ie not "to death") with a little care and attentiong they are without doubt the ultimate Christmas vegetable. They bring a deep intensely green flavour to the Christmas plate that balances a whole lot of the fattiness and starchiness of the other elements.

4. Stuffing

Making good stuffing is a fine art indeed. Ready made from the packet stuffing is acceptable and sometimes even delicious at any other time of the year, but when it comes the Christmas I'm a firm believer in going the extra mile and making something from scratch.

When making stuffing, it's important to remember what it's there for in the first place - do you want it to flavour your bird, as a seperate dish entirely, or for a little bit of both? Often I find that it's advisable to make two stuffings - one for the bird, one for the table. Into the bird you can simply throw some loosely chopped root vegetables, fruit, and herbs. For the table, and therefore for human consumption as a kind of "secondary meat", stuffing really comes into it's own as a culinary experience.

5. Roast Potatoes

Yes, the ultimate treatment for potatoes, and utterly indispensable for a Christmas dinner. If you don't have roast spuds on Christmas day, you might as well just kill yourself. Bonus points if you cook them in goose fat.

Remember, wherever you are and whatever you're doing on Christmas Day - insist upon these five things. And also, a word of warning - Yorkshire Pudding, Beef, Boiled Potatoes: these things have no place on the Christmas table.

Cool Internet Stuff

2008-12-23T18:01:00.002Z

One of the joys of having a job in online is that you're surrounded by people who point out interesting stuff on the internet to have a look at.

Couple this with a family of tech geeks, and a friend (Famous Jon) who is addicted to the internet, and you have yourself a pretty much constant stream of cool web activity.

Here is a selection of the things that I've been enjoying lately:

Sheldon - this is probably the best web comic I've been reading lately. Less "out and out" geeky than PVP, and more consistently funny. It's worth skipping right back to the beginning and reading a few hundred in sequence.

Pixlr - I've been looking for an online version of photoshop for a while, and lo and behold, Pixlr is it. Incredible piece of online, flash based software. This bodes well for my currently failing cartooning hobby.

Passive Aggressive Notes - as someone who lives in a house full of slobs, I feel a certain affinity with leavers of passive aggressive notes. Some of the examples on here are out and out ridiculous though. Particular hilarity is found in the facebook activity.

Daily Lego - this is just plain surreal, but highly addictive and very creative indeed.

The Daily Show - The N Word - The Daily Show is always funny, there's no doubt. This clip shows you exactly why. It's not racist, it's satirical, by the way.

I hope you get some enjoyment out of these. And also, I hope you have wonderful Christmas fun this week.

My Friend Famous Jon

2008-12-11T08:50:00.004Z

Click the image on the left, you really should - it documents the single greatest moment in Jon Purkis' life ever. At the height of his powers as "Famous" Jon, his name was included on the same freakin' bill board as electro hip-hop leviathons De La Soul. Life really doesn't get any better than that for normal people.

This morning, as I sit at my desk briefly surfing the net before I settle down to work, I stumbled upon this old relic from my past: Famous Jon's First Blog

As I laughed at the ridiculous circumstances of his final posting, where his fledgling career as a Hackneyed community radio DJ bit the dust, I realised something.

I miss Famous Jon's blogging.

Sure, his posts were always way too long to read in one sitting. Sure, he used to dedicate too much time to Big Brother. But without the company of a blog from one of my peers, I'm encouraged less to post on here...and I have less to take the piss out of.

Almond Croissants

2008-12-10T08:40:00.004Z

Croissants are an indisputably quality choice of breakfast patisserie. Whether they're eaten "straight up", or laden with Lurpak and jam, there's no doubt that you know exactly where you stand.

Almond croissants take all the good points of a plain croissant, and then just push the envelope further.

You want a seam of marzipan running through your croissant? You got it.

You want toasted flaked almonds on top of it? You got it.

I used to be sceptical of these slightly pricier, posh looking occupants of the bakery isle. I thought, what good is almond to me in the morning? Now I know. And I'm never going back.

The Roots

2008-12-07T09:47:00.003Z

Last night me and my old pal Jenko went to see The Roots at the Kentish Town Forum.

It was the best gig I've ever been to.

For those of you unfamiliar with them, The Roots are an immensely successful and prolific hip-hop act who've achieved a kind of god-like status amongst the MOBO scene.

Now, saying that, I definitely don't class myself as an urban music afficionado - my interest in that genre stretches as far as a couple of Fabriclive compilations, a Kanye West Album, and "The Blueprint" by Jay Z. Oh, and I recently bought an album by "A Tribe Called Quest". It's wicked.

My first encounter with The Roots was at a gig last summer at Somerset House. It was phenomenal, defying all my expectations. I never realised, up until that point, that hip-hop could accomodate a proper band with proper instruments playing proper music. Well, The Roots do all of the above, and not only that, but they do it better than any band I've ever seen.

Jazz, soul, motown, funk, rock - their influences are broad, and they are masters of every style. The energy of their performances is incredible - they play practically non-stop and at high tempo, relentlessly cranking up the intensity.

Jenko assures me that none of their albums really do the live experience justice. So don't neccesarily bother seeking them out in the record store. But do, if at all possible, get hold of a ticket to one of their gigs - they play in London once a year at least - and prepare yourself for an absolutely class live experience.

New Years Resolution - Advanced Warning

2008-12-04T13:52:00.007Z

The graph above (click on it for a proper view) indicates the rise and fall of my blogging activity over the years. In 2008 I barely wrote more than I did back in 2003 when all this started...

The lofty heights of 2004 (more than 160 postings, nearly 1 every other day) seem like...well, they seem like 4 years ago.

What's behind this decline?

I think there are a few possible factors, some contributing more significantly than others.

Life was more interesting back then
I had more free time to write back then
Back then I had ideas
Back then I had a regular internet connection
Back then I could be arsed

Last weeks purchase of a Samsung Netbook and some mobile broadband means that connectivity is no longer a valid excuse. I am extremely keen to blog more in 2009 to get the graph moving upwards again, and so we'll see in the coming months whether the other factors are enough to scupper my good intentions.

My aim is to hit a 2006 level of posting in 2009 - just over 80 posts in the year. That's 0.23 posts per day, or one posting every 4.5 days. Achievable, surely, even with a job and a lack of interesting things to say?

2008-12-02T08:47:00.002Z

Worth Two In The Bush

With all the hysteria going around about how Barrack Obama is going to single handedly make the world a better place I think it's a shame that no one's spared a moment to consider Mr George W Bush, and the oaf-shaped hole he's going to leave in all of our hearts.

I, for one, am going to miss the guy. He may have taken us into a war that the whole world knew was ill-justified, he may have nearly choked himself to death on a pretzel, and he may be the only man to have seriously used the word "misunderestimate"...but can you argue with this?

And that's why I'm going to miss George W Bush.

2008-11-12T17:54:00.006Z

Where Have I Been All Your Life?

I've been trying to get this up and running.

*UPDATE* - it appears my Technical Director, and brother, has got some issues. If you type http://www.haslehurst.net/wordpress/ into your browser you should be able to actually see something.

Oh, and moving flat, changing jobs, and other general life movements.

But mostly the review site...

2008-09-09T13:18:00.002Z

Corporate Blogging

Check this out - my colleague, and sometimes personal friend Anthony "Brown Bear" Brown has gotten himself into the corporate blogging scene, on quite a well-respected site no less.

I "subbed" the article, so thought I'd stick a link up here.

Enjoy!

2008-08-25T10:26:00.003Z

Happy Anniversary Gavin

Yesterday was a special day indeed for the Haslehurst family - Gavin, my only brother, saw Supergrass for the Twenty Fifth time.

This is quite an achievement for a music fan, especially when you consider that he's only been of "gig-attending" age for about 10 years. 2.5 Supergrass gigs per year is a fantastically impressive number.

Gavin's obsession with the sometimes-excellent indie popsters is all thanks to our cousin Joe, who brought "I Should Coco" with him when he visited us one summer. Inbetween insanely reckless downhill skateboarding antics and setting traps for our pet cat we would rock out to "Caught By The Fuzz" and "Lenny".

Since that summer Gavin hasn't really listened to anything but Supergrass. He hasn't really bothered seeing any bands unless they're Supergrass. And he hasn't bought a T-shirt unless it's had "Supergrass" written on it.

Gavin, for your commitment to Supergrass, we salute you.

Incidentally, the gig - at "Get Loaded In The Park" - was relatively disappointing. Even Gavin agreed that "The 'Grass" didn't play enough of their old classics, focussing instead on their fairly dull new material. They were also badly let down by the sound system, which was too low - due to the posh bastards of Clapham kicking up a fuss about 1 measly gig a year in their precious park.

2008-07-03T21:56:00.003Z

Mean Music

I decided on the bus home to give "Elephant" by the White Stripes another listen. I've recently been investing some serious time and money into diversifying my musical tastes through genres like "dance" and "hip-hop". I'm always going to be a guitar guy at heart, so I felt like the lonely ride on the 26 was a good opportunity to revisit my rock roots. "Elephant" has always, at least, up until tonight, been an album that I haven't been totally comfortable with. It has seemed on previous listens to be fragmented, lengthy, and perhaps just a touch too conceptual for my liking.

Tonight, however, suddenly everything about this album made sense. Maybe it's because of my recent musical diet, but the whole album seemed to hang together - to have some kind of common message, and...way of pointing in the same direction. As I listened, I realised that the common element was Jack White's guitar playing. "Elephant" is an especially mean album. That is to say, Jack White plays the guitar at his meanest throughout it.

Mean is a way of playing guitar. It's perhaps best summed up on the album by "I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself", a song where White is so sparse with his guitar that, outside of the chorus, he almost might as well not be playing. This style ends up emphasising the overall tone of anger, frustration and bitterness better than the lyrics. It sounds pretentious, but it's about the notes that White doesn't play. The restraint makes me think about a man holding back a punch...but only just.

If you want to look to other artists to demonstrate a similar style, a good starting point would be Kurt Cobain and Nirvana on "In Utero". The album's tone of brutality and emotional rawness is created entirely by the harsh, abrupt guitar playing of Cobain.

I've got a lot of love for this way of playing. And I defy anyone to listen to "Ball and Biscuit" from "Elephant" and not understand what I'm saying. But there is another way of using the guitar that can be equally compelling. Who can argue with bands like the Stone Roses, The Verve, or McFly? Yet their guitar work, in the main, is generous and inclusive. Perhaps "twiddly" or "flourishy" are the best words to describe it?

Anyway, enough bollocks from me - have a listen to some examples to get your head around what I'm on about:

The Meanies:

I Don't Know What to do With Myself - warning, Kate Moss dances in this link
Serve The Servants - warning, might make you love Nirvana forever
All Along the Watchtower - warning, the best rock song ever

The Giving Types:

The Waterfall - it's going to make you wish you were on a train to the coast
Lucky Man - some of the nicest little guitar flourishes here

2008-06-15T20:39:00.003Z

Time to Fly South For The Summer...Almost

Well, it's definitely the British Summer now. Every year, Famous Jon's birthday heralds the season of disappointing barbecues, rainy weekends, and sitting at work staring out of the window at glorious sunshine as it gets wasted on builders and the unemployed.

Time, methinks, for a holiday...

Come Wednesday Louise and I will be kicking back in the Med, soaking up the rays, olive oil, and reasonably-priced Chianti.

And if the promise of the greatest food, wine and weather in the world isn't enough, I can also look forward to tear-and-vomit-inducing bus rides of terror at every turn - apparently Sorrento (where we're headed) is well known for some of the scariest/most nauseating in the world.